It is a period of free flowing entertaining football, TUFC success, appalling home TUFC shirt designs and Guy Branston. Now it is a battle to restore freedom of football and at the same time ensure league football to the minions down at Torquay United. It is a battle to fight for the right to visit Rochdale and Fleetwood again and other far flung outposts of the galaxy which would not be visited in a million light years if it weren't for football.
Yep, seatbelts on and prepare for full thrust. WE'RE GOING SCI FI MENTAL!!!
Alan Knill takes his stormtroopers back to Plainmoor with a clear message : If you aren't playing well or am unhappy with your position in the team then i will not hesitate to change this for the greater good.
Such a breath of fresh air is a welcome bonus so long as it isn't accompanied by the most rampant case of halitosis and under Ling it clearly was *. Ok so Torquay's equivalent of wandering around Blair County in Maryland amongst dense woodland looking for haggard old necromancers didn't quite pay off. THE NATHAN CRAIG PROJECT however is a reason to like Knill and to finally believe that he has somehow succeeded in closing the dimensions portal that has hovered above Plainmoor for the past 2 seasons.
TQ1's very own version of Stargate has blighted the men in yellow and whenever the lads runout onto the hallowed turf the portal would open and a Ming the Merciless type being from another world ( well, Exeter but it may as f*cking well be
) would cocoon Martin Ling in a cloud of spacedust and infiltrate his mind with hallucinations and images of successful one dimensional football. Sadly, such a thing can only exist in a parallel universe or at Highbury in the 90's. In the harsh reality of the barren lands of South Devon, even Mad Max would have difficulty believing that someone like Ling could transfer these archaic ideals into an entertaining winning football team.This alien despot was a secret Argyle fan too and so he had an ulterior motive for not wanting to see the Gulls make use of their full potential and the curse of the netherworld that the alien had brought with him would ensure that Torquay would stick to the same gameplan every week. It was a masterstroke of pure evil yet pure genius and just like it is rumoured that mathematics underpins everything in the entire universe, this unique and prolonged series of binary scorlines (1-0 win having nicked one and hung on for 90 minutes, 1-1 draw after being 1-0 up and trying to hang on and then conceding or 1-0 loss after defending unsuccessfully for 90 minutes ) ensured that more intergalactic misery was heaped upon the long suffering supporters of the yellow army.
Well this 'star wars' wasn't over and the rebels got together to bring in top solar system superhero Alan Knill who was fresh from a rest after a period of enlightenment in his life had been induced by a bizarre accident. He was riding his speeder bike through the Nottingham Forest and collided with an Ewok which sent him flying off and into a tree. It was this brush with the dark side that made him re-evaluate his life and take on the job of saving Torquay from relegation whilst at the same time condemning rivals Argyle to a never ending loop of fixtures against Barrow and Ebbsfleet in the vastness that is the BSP black hole.
Knill came into the club, began using the force and set about finding a way to close this portal of football destruction for good. After home defeats by Wycombe and Oxford it was clear that there was still a gap in the portal needing to be sealed so after our game with Oxford he grabbed a scientific collecting device ( a jug ) and scooped up all the spit, phlegm and other assorted mucousy detritus that always covers a football pitch after a game thanks to the players gozzing for NO F*CKING REASON the dirty tw*ts!!
( Why do players do this? When i played football i NEVER spat and the worst 'stuff' i'd ever fallen in on a pitch was a pile of dog sh*t which was in the goalmouth and during warm up i did a diving header and got it all down my arm. We had no spare shirts. 
).Anyway, yeah, this spitting thing gets on my nerves, i saw a substitute the other day waiting to come on stood next to the 4th official and he was tucking his shirt in his shorts and then randomly he spat on the floor! YOU'VE NOT EVEN RUN ANYWHERE YET YOU SCRUBBER!!!
. Knill sealed up the portal with this goo and no more one dimensional football! Knill is now free to chop, change, attack as he likes with no restrictions and he does so too. It is this lack of rigidity and total flexibility in Knill which gives our great club a wonderful opportunity to beat the drop. If Martin was still here then i dread to think what state the club would be in now. (No offence meant) =D . In all probability we'd end up in the Death Star drained of life-force. We now have a chance.Labadie has been an inspiration and he answered the call from Knill. "Help me Obi Wan Labadie, Joss - you're my only hope" pleaded Knill, the force is strong with this one. We've signed Chappell and we keep on hanging in there despite keep getting key men suspended AND the loss of players like Bodin to international duty. Remarkable.
Our guests at Plainmoor are my old friends Chesterfield FC and i say this because i have been a resident of this quaint Derbyshire market town for over 10 years now and know a few of their lads. I say 'quaint' because it's tiny, boring as hell and on a friday night you can hear a pin drop. When i used to go round town in Donny at night it was like being in Ibiza! Pub after pub, music blurting out, the buzz of people spilling all over the streets, the fights, the battle to get in taxi's, the vomiting women, the visceral sight of bloke whazzing in doorways and on windowfronts, the total losers who just drive around the streets in a loop with their arms hanging over the side of the car and a baseball cap on at a somewhat improbable but still ridiculous angle. If you're gonna wear a cap then at least have the dignity to wear it properly FFS! I really don't know how they stay on, what happens when the bloke runs? Surely it's superglued or summat? I'm not having it. Yeah, they'll either have a cap on like that or a woven hat like that looks like a windsock which stretches down from the back of their heads. In short, if they painted themselves blue they could go to a fancy dress party dressed as Papa Smurf. It's ridiculous!
Anyway, to cut a long story short. Chesterfield is a dead town, nothing happens, nothing ever will and there's sod all to do but it's ok to live in i suppose. The singlemost worst thing about the area for a Yorkshireman like myself is that everybody calls one another 'DUCK' as an affectionate term. EVEN the blokes! Now if i called another Yorkshireman a DUCK, i'd end up picking my teeth up off the pavement with a broken arm. We from Yorkshire have a similar term but we only use it for women and we call them 'LOVE'. Like, "Thanks love" or "OK love, thanks". The only problem with this is the rise of feminism, now you can't say it outside of Yorkshire without the woman it's aimed at turning into bloody Andrea Dworkin with a bit of Germaine Greer chucked in for good measure! You get called a sexist pig, clouted with a handbag and told to "F*CK OFF". Oh........very ladylike.
The only regional affectionate term that is unacceptable in 2013 is the old embarrassing cockney geezer phrase, "Oiroight Darlin'?". If i was a woman ( it has been said ) then i'd not only spit in the blokes face ( the one time spitting IS acceptable ) but i would also take out the industrial sized tub of peanut butter i had in my handbag for such critical emergencies and smear it all over his body and then at the top of my voice shout - KILL!! Then, with the peanut butter acting as a stimulant and motivator, the 4 illegal fighting dogs that the man had been walking would turn around and bob's yer uncle. Then i'd grab the keys to his white transit, clear the seats from pasty crumbs and McDonalds packaging, throw the Daily Sport in the back and drive off giggling and possibly fingering myself. That'll teach folk not to patronise a woman so do remember the old adage - HELL HATH NO FURY...................
Apologies for that, i think that was becoming quite unpleasant but back on track now for the next big game at Plainmoor and our visitors, the Spireites. Named after the church with the crooked spire that sits in Chesterfield town centre. The blues have seen a run of 3 wins in their last 4 keep alive their slim play off hopes but they are still 8 points off the last spot occupied by Rotherham on 61 points. This makes this game a very intriguing one as by my reckoning, they simply MUST win this game or if other results go against them they could be out of it come 10pm tuesday so this may make them more adventurous. The caveat to this is that this could play straight into our hands and as a side who just a few weeks back had the joint worst away scoring record in the divison, Chesterfield could find themselves beaten without reply. That's the hope anyway and if this game has more than a goal then i'll be amazed. Could be another draw, a 0-0.
Despite not having a pot to p*ss in and owing the local council a million quid which they have asked them to waive, the Spireites have still found money they haven't got to sign a few loanees and add a few new players including Jay O'Shea who has been a revelation. He was a free transfer but i doubt he'll be being paid in magic beans like half of our squad. Then i saw ex Sheffield Wednesday keeper and Chesterfield chairman Chris Turner on the local news talking about financial fair play in football!! If Kammy had've seen it i know what he'd have said.
In goal they have perennial club player of the year Tommy Lee who deserves credit for shunning the rock and roll lifestyle as drummer of American metallers Motley Crue and also for dumping ex-Baywatch babe Pamela Anderson in order to become the undsiputed number 1 at mighty Chesterfield FC. So instead of Girls! Girls! Girls! he's now stopping Goals! Goals! Goals! Top keeper though.
In the back line they can call upon Jamaican Nathan Smith, Neal Trotman who was infront of me at my local co op the other week purchasing a dazzling array of comestibles, Donny lad ( poor tw*t - i know exactly what you've been through ) and ex Rovers player Sam Hird and they also signed former Hull City defender Liam Cooper on a 2 year deal in January. A deal which is still under scrutiny as the Tigers have lodged an official complaint to the Football League stating that monopoly money is in no way acceptable payment for a players transfer and as Chesterfield haven't got a bent bean but somehow can pay for 2 year contracts here there and everywhere, there is some suspicion that this monopoly money may not be legal tender. Hey, that won't stop them.
They also have, surprise surprise, another new player Richard Brindley signed from Chelmsford City a few months back, Drew Talbot and also Conor Townsend on loan from Hull. They are being paid in skittles, cadburys GIANT buttons and poppets.
In midfield they have ANOTHER loanee, Alex Henshall in from Man City, Sam Togwell, Danny Whitaker, Craig Clay, Mark Randall, the in form Jay O'Shea and the highly rated Tendayi Darikwa who scored against us in our 1-1 draw at the Proact Stadium earlier this season. He has just returned from a hernia and he is being watched by Premier League scouts.
Up front they have the evergreen ( like using that word, it's more diplomatic than putting 'old' or 'been around for f*ckin' donkeys" ) Jack Lester, Jordan Clark who surprise surprise the unexpected hits you betweenthe eyes, is ANOTHER loanee this time from Barnsley. Jesus, i feel like Cilla Black but without a lorra lorra laughs. Marc Richards, who was signed in the summer from Port Vale is back amongst the goals after being out of the side due to both injury and being sh*t. He grabbed the winner in the Spireites 1-0 win at Oxford on saturday. Jonathan Wafula is also another youngster with potential, Jacob Hazel is an option and they also have ANOTHER new signing in Armand Gnanduillet who signed a month or so back until the end of the season after impressing on trial.
Last time out v Oxford United ( Chesterfield won 1-0 through Marc Richards ).
1. Tommy Lee (gk)
2. Nathan Smith
3. Neal Trotman
4. Sam Hird
5. Tendayi Darikwa
6. Richard Brindley
7. Liam Cooper
8. Conor Townsend
9. Sam Togwell
10. Jay O'Shea
11. Marc Richards
SUBS: Barrington UNUSED, Alex Henshall UNUSED, Danny Whitaker ( on for Smith on 28 mins ), Mark Randall ( on for Brindley on 60 mins ), Drew Talbot ( on for Darikwa on 66 mins ), Jack Lester UNUSED, Jordan Clark UNUSED.
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OFFICIALS:
The ref for this one is Mr Steven Rushton who last time he reffed us sent off Rene Howe in the last minute in our 2-0 loss at Shrewsbury last season. Also this season he has reffed 27 games and given out an astonishing 76 yellows and 8 reds. Given our record this season this doesn't bode well. Someone have a word with Rene and tell him to keep it real out there as any more unecessary disciplinary issues will not be acceptable now. Mr Rushton also has a link with Chesterfield as they were involved in his first ever match as a football league referee when they played Northampton in 2009. The assistants are Mr Adam Matthews and Mr Mark Pottage, brother of Katy in Postman Pat. The 4th official is Mr Chris Powell who must be moonlighting as last time i heard he was manager of Charlton.
As always lads, don't forget your vari-focals and canine pals and we're all looking forward to witnessing another horror show from the lower league refs pantomime society.
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ANDY'S TOWN OF THE DAY: TORQUAY ( HOME GAME )
There will be no town of the day today due to it being a home game and the fact that residents of the bay already know that pound shops flourishing in Torquay are here to stay and are due to replace monuments of historic importance in every town and city up and down the land. York Minster is currently being converted into a 24 hour SuperSavers as we speak. Sacre bleu!!!-------------------------------------
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This is a game that is the same as the 2 previous home games that we have lost - winnable and against a bang average team. The difference between those two games is that we scored in both, do the same and we'll win as i can't see Chesterfield scoring. My head says a 0-0 draw but i'm going to predict a 1-0 win. Either way, i am reasonably confident that Chesterfield will not score. They are taking a few more down there than i first thought but it still will probably be another sub 2000 crowd.
P.S: I've just been on the telekinetic communication device speaking to Yoda and he confirms that we win this 1-0. I first met Yoda at Bradford away this season, he was chatting to Martin Ling and i overheard the conversation. He said to Martin,"if no mistake have you made, yet losing you are - a different game you should play". F*cking spot on Yoda but Martin didn't heed the warning. :no:
Yoda also predicted our near demise this season and he also told me,"when you look at the dark side, careful you must be....for the dark side looks back". I had no idea what he was on about at first but then it hit me. He meant that when you look at the BSP, Mansfield are looking back at you. Sent a shiver down my spine that did. Those who have been to Mansfield will feel the same. Total hovel and only 10 miles away from me.
Anyway, as a token of my gratitude i gave Yoda a Torquay scarf so if you see him in the next Star Wars film with a Torquay scarf on then don't be alarmed. He's even thinking about coming down from his dank cave on the planet of Dagobah to come in the pop for the Brizzle game. I told him best to go in the bench as he's that small he won't be able to see in the pop but if he pops in Boots and Laces beforhand everyone will want to meet him. That Yoda, absolute legend.
So let's destroy the Klingons (Chesterfield FC) AND MAY THE FORCE BE WITH YOU!!
I'm so glad because i can listen to full unadulterated live commentary up here on PEAK FM whilst you exiles clog up the forum of an evening with the complaints about Gullsplayer!
Sorry for another long one folks!
For those interested, the Chesterfield fans forum can be found at:
http://www.thecfss.co.uk
* NOTE: In no way am i suggesting that Martin Ling suffered from bad breath.
Cheers all!! :na:
