"G'day mate, Foster's Helpline - what's the problem mate?"
"I'm on holiday in Australia with my girlfriend and she's been stung on the minge by a hornet...now her vagina has completely closed up!!!"
"Bummer mate"
"Great idea!! Thanks mate!!"
FUNNY Jokes, FUNNY Tubes & FUNNY Video Clips
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usagullmichigan
- Top Scorer
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- Joined: 12 Sep 2010, 11:06
- Location: Traverse City, Michigan
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Wisconsin_gull
- Top Scorer
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- Joined: 09 Nov 2010, 00:36
- Favourite player: Mr Chappell
This made I larf... 
At the kerb halt - look right - look left -look right again - if all clear quick march!
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EmetEdadsBeard
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- Joined: 05 Sep 2010, 08:53
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- Location: At home with head in gas oven
We've got an aviary at home, and we've got a problem with one of our birds of prey.
It will only exercise at night to 80s music.
Our kestrel manoeuvres in the dark.
It will only exercise at night to 80s music.
Our kestrel manoeuvres in the dark.
'Never argue with an idiot, they drag you down to their level then beat you with their experience!
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Gullscorer
- Legend
- Posts: 6575
- Joined: 22 Jul 2011, 00:30
- Contact:
An Irish man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. The drunk proceeds into the water, subsequently bumping into the preacher.
The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon, he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk shouts, "Yes, oi am."
So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him back and asks, "Brother, have you found Jesus?"
The drunk replies, "No, oi haven't found Jesus!"
The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him again but for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks, "Have you found Jesus, me brother?"
The drunk answers, "No, oi haven't found Jesus!"
By this time, the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk again -- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds, and when he begins kicking his arms and legs about, he pulls him up.
The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?"
(get ready for this.....)
The drunk staggers upright, wipes his eyes, coughs up a bit of water, catches his breath, and says to the preacher: "Are you sure this is where he fell in"?
The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon, he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk shouts, "Yes, oi am."
So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him back and asks, "Brother, have you found Jesus?"
The drunk replies, "No, oi haven't found Jesus!"
The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him again but for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks, "Have you found Jesus, me brother?"
The drunk answers, "No, oi haven't found Jesus!"
By this time, the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk again -- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds, and when he begins kicking his arms and legs about, he pulls him up.
The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?"
(get ready for this.....)
The drunk staggers upright, wipes his eyes, coughs up a bit of water, catches his breath, and says to the preacher: "Are you sure this is where he fell in"?
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Gullscorer
- Legend
- Posts: 6575
- Joined: 22 Jul 2011, 00:30
- Contact:
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
They say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'"
"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment. "You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, an we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying...that phrase...in no time."
"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding rosary beads, praying, and reading the bible. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"
There was stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!"
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
They say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'"
"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment. "You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, an we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying...that phrase...in no time."
"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding rosary beads, praying, and reading the bible. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"
There was stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!"
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Gullscorer
- Legend
- Posts: 6575
- Joined: 22 Jul 2011, 00:30
- Contact:
A blind man enters a Ladies bar by mistake. He finds his way to a barstool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the barman: "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a firm menacing voice, the woman next to him says:
"Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair - seeing that you are blind - that you should know five things:
1. The bargirl is a blonde.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6 feet tall, 160 LB. blonde woman with a black belt in Karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head and declares:
"Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times".
The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a firm menacing voice, the woman next to him says:
"Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair - seeing that you are blind - that you should know five things:
1. The bargirl is a blonde.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6 feet tall, 160 LB. blonde woman with a black belt in Karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head and declares:
"Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times".
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EmetEdadsBeard
- Top Scorer
- Posts: 1037
- Joined: 05 Sep 2010, 08:53
- Favourite player: Andy Gurney
- Location: At home with head in gas oven
Plagiarism at its worst. See page 3 of this threadGullscorer wrote:A blind man enters a Ladies bar by mistake. He finds his way to a barstool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the barman: "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a firm menacing voice, the woman next to him says:
"Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair - seeing that you are blind - that you should know five things:
1. The bargirl is a blonde.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6 feet tall, 160 LB. blonde woman with a black belt in Karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head and declares:
"Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times".
'Never argue with an idiot, they drag you down to their level then beat you with their experience!
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Gullscorer
- Legend
- Posts: 6575
- Joined: 22 Jul 2011, 00:30
- Contact:
=D .... and where did you get it from...??EmetEdadsBeard wrote:Plagiarism at its worst. See page 3 of this thread
Just goes to show, what goes around comes around.. :na:
THE GOVERNMENT'S NEW SYMBOL IS THAT OF A CONDOM,
because it more accurately reflects
the government's political stance....
A condom allows for inflation,
halts production,
destroys the next generation,
protects a bunch of dicks,
and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed !
because it more accurately reflects
the government's political stance....
A condom allows for inflation,
halts production,
destroys the next generation,
protects a bunch of dicks,
and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed !
Friend of TorquayFans.com
Member of the Month November 2020
Southampton Gull: "Well deserved"
Member of the Month November 2020
Southampton Gull: "Well deserved"
SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour
COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk
FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk
NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you
BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then
throws the milk away
TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy
grows.
You sell them and retire on the income
ROYAL BANK OF SCOTLAND (VENTURE) CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by
your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption
for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull.
SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to
produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why
the cow has dropped dead.
A GREEK CORPORATION
You have two cows. You borrow lots of euros to build barns, milking sheds, hay stores, feed sheds,
dairies, cold stores, abattoir, cheese unit and packing sheds.
You still only have two cows.
A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three
cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce
twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called a Cowkimona and
market it worldwide.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows,
but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.
A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.
A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.
A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.
AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.
A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive...
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour
COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk
FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk
NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you
BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then
throws the milk away
TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy
grows.
You sell them and retire on the income
ROYAL BANK OF SCOTLAND (VENTURE) CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by
your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption
for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull.
SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to
produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why
the cow has dropped dead.
A GREEK CORPORATION
You have two cows. You borrow lots of euros to build barns, milking sheds, hay stores, feed sheds,
dairies, cold stores, abattoir, cheese unit and packing sheds.
You still only have two cows.
A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three
cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce
twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called a Cowkimona and
market it worldwide.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows,
but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.
A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.
A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.
A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.
AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.
A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive...
Friend of TorquayFans.com
Member of the Month November 2020
Southampton Gull: "Well deserved"
Member of the Month November 2020
Southampton Gull: "Well deserved"
HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR 2030
Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions.
White minorities still trying to have English recognised as the UK's third language.
Children from two-parent, married, heterosexual families bullied in schools for being 'different'. Tolerance urged.
Manchester schoolgirl expelled for not wearing a Burqa.
Japan announces that they will no longer consume whale meat as whales are now extinct, and the
Scientific research fleet are unemployed.
UK Government has told the Japanese that Grey Squirrels taste like whale meat.
Britain now has ten Universities of Political Correctness.
Professor Goldman of LSPC says there is still a long way to go in the fight to stop people saying what they think.
Britain's deficit £10 trillion and rising. Government declares return to surplus in 100 years which is 300 years ahead of time. Prime Minister Mohammed Yousuf claims increased growth through more immigration is the secret to success.
Baby conceived naturally. Scientists stumped.
Iran still isolated. Physicists estimate at least ten more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.
France pleads for global help after being taken over by Islamic Countries.
No other country comes forward.
Jose Manuel Rodrigez Bush says he will run for second term as US President in 2032.
Post Office raises price of stamps to £18 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.
After a ten-year, £75..8 billion study commissioned by the Labour Party, scientists prove diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.
Average weight of a British male drops to 18 stone.
Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed they can now photograph a woman with
Her mouth shut.
Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil and human rights. Victims to be held
Partly responsible for crime.
Average height of professional basketball players is now nine feet, seven inches.
New law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by
January 2035 as lethal weapons..
Inland Revenue sets lowest tax rate in decades at 75 per cent..
Bradford win FA Cup Final, beating Hindu Hornets 4-1.
Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions.
White minorities still trying to have English recognised as the UK's third language.
Children from two-parent, married, heterosexual families bullied in schools for being 'different'. Tolerance urged.
Manchester schoolgirl expelled for not wearing a Burqa.
Japan announces that they will no longer consume whale meat as whales are now extinct, and the
Scientific research fleet are unemployed.
UK Government has told the Japanese that Grey Squirrels taste like whale meat.
Britain now has ten Universities of Political Correctness.
Professor Goldman of LSPC says there is still a long way to go in the fight to stop people saying what they think.
Britain's deficit £10 trillion and rising. Government declares return to surplus in 100 years which is 300 years ahead of time. Prime Minister Mohammed Yousuf claims increased growth through more immigration is the secret to success.
Baby conceived naturally. Scientists stumped.
Iran still isolated. Physicists estimate at least ten more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.
France pleads for global help after being taken over by Islamic Countries.
No other country comes forward.
Jose Manuel Rodrigez Bush says he will run for second term as US President in 2032.
Post Office raises price of stamps to £18 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.
After a ten-year, £75..8 billion study commissioned by the Labour Party, scientists prove diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.
Average weight of a British male drops to 18 stone.
Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed they can now photograph a woman with
Her mouth shut.
Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil and human rights. Victims to be held
Partly responsible for crime.
Average height of professional basketball players is now nine feet, seven inches.
New law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by
January 2035 as lethal weapons..
Inland Revenue sets lowest tax rate in decades at 75 per cent..
Bradford win FA Cup Final, beating Hindu Hornets 4-1.
Friend of TorquayFans.com
Member of the Month November 2020
Southampton Gull: "Well deserved"
Member of the Month November 2020
Southampton Gull: "Well deserved"
-
Scott Brehaut
- TorquayFans Admin
- Posts: 4556
- Joined: 05 Sep 2010, 16:04
- Favourite player: Lee Mansell
- Location: Guernsey
Is that a local derbyTrojan 67 wrote:HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR 2030
Bradford win FA Cup Final, beating Hindu Hornets 4-1.
STIP
Friend of torquayfans.com
Scott Brehaut wrote:
Is that a local derby
Aye, Bradford dropped the City from the title when the whole of Yorkshire including Humberside, Teeside, Wearside, Tyneside and Rumpside became the County of Bradford.
Hindu Hornets are a franchise club that moved to Middlesbrough after the Sikh takeover of the former Bradford Pa'k Avenue.
Friend of TorquayFans.com
Member of the Month November 2020
Southampton Gull: "Well deserved"
Member of the Month November 2020
Southampton Gull: "Well deserved"
The B.A.A. Disclosed the Airport Screening Results January 2013 Statistics On Airport Screening From The UK Border Agency
Terrorists Discovered
0
Transvestites
133
Hernias
1,485
Haemorrhoid Cases
3,172
Enlarged Prostates
8,249
Breast Implants
59,350
Natural Blondes
3
It was also discovered that 295 members of Parliament had no balls.
Just thought you'd like to know.
Terrorists Discovered
0
Transvestites
133
Hernias
1,485
Haemorrhoid Cases
3,172
Enlarged Prostates
8,249
Breast Implants
59,350
Natural Blondes
3
It was also discovered that 295 members of Parliament had no balls.
Just thought you'd like to know.
Friend of TorquayFans.com
Member of the Month November 2020
Southampton Gull: "Well deserved"
Member of the Month November 2020
Southampton Gull: "Well deserved"
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Gullscorer
- Legend
- Posts: 6575
- Joined: 22 Jul 2011, 00:30
- Contact:
What's the most shocking city in the world?
Electri City... :ping:
Electri City... :ping:
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