In all seriousness I reckon they have had no dealings with the club for yonks and we are just picking up the cash from WTS such is the outgoing helpful and communicative nature of our club.
I'd like to see WTS introduce a new scheme for the area...........
FOOTBALL PLAYER & MANAGEMENT APPRENTICSHIPS whereby we get random folk from the Torbay area to undergo a brief training course and upon completion they get a contract with TUFC. I'd say it is a lot better than the current situation whereby a player just rocks up and says, "I can play football" and the club reply, "Great! Just what we need! You're in the squad on Saturday!". Or a manager that says, "I am THE man for the job. I have a vision and I can deliver that vision to you. Give me the job". What the manager failed to include however is that his vision didn't stretch to not being able to see the problems that the other 2000 people in the stands can.
Derek, 48 from Chelston has applied already to undergo the proposed management course. He currently works as a drain cleaner for Dyna Rod in Exeter but is now looking for something closer to his Torquay home. He said, "I've had enough of cleaning shit up around Exeter and particularly the St James Park area and now I'm looking for something a bit closer to home. I've heard Torquay like to chuck money down the drain so hopefully I can get in there with my cleaning equipment and find some of the stuff as well as learning a new skill.......................getting 11 players to do what they are **** well paid for". I spoke to Derek and obviously advised him to leave out that last bit in the interview as the players apparently get upset when faced with the truth and if they get upset they might not play for him and he might not get the job as a result. I told him it was a job interview and nobody is themselves in one, you have to act like you know what you are talking about and con prospective employers into giving you a job. God forbid anyone goes into an interview acting THEMSELVES!!!!!
Simon, 24 from Goodrington has also shown initial interest in the proposed course for management. He is employed by Paignton Zoo as a giraffe keeper and has been in the role since he left school. Giraffes plod around all day and the only thing they can see when they look around them is clear daylight. A remarkable coincidence as that could aptly describe our playing style. In addition, Giraffes when they look up can see nothing but space. Again, aptly representing Torquay United and the league table.
Asked why Simon wanted the job he replied,"I just wanted a new challenge as the job had become boring. Especially lately when the new craze of necknominate took off. People kept on nominating my giraffes and not only did it take all day for them to neck a pint of vodka and red bull but it cost me a fortune too!!"
I can quite understand that Simon and he was then asked what he could bring to the table and he said,"A lot more points than you've got now! BOOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
That is all it would take quite frankly to be given the job as Torquay manager. That or copying Boys from the Blackstuff and constantly repeating "Giz a job! I can do that!". Those ARE the two deal breakers when it comes to getting employment with TUFC.
Next up was Paul, he like Simon had also worked with animals at the local animal shelter. When quizzed on his interview tactics he simply said, "I will go in with a nice suit on and simply state that I'm the man and I have so much experience in rescuing dire situations that you need look no further". What the board wouldn't be aware of is that when Paul was touching upon his career rescuing things, he wasn't referring to doomed football clubs nearing the end of their football league life but guinea pigs. Guinea pigs who had been unceremoniously dumped in shoe boxes outside the shelter and then rehabilitated, renamed Torquay United FC (as that is what we appear to be now as a club - a guinea pig for people to experiment on and 'see how it goes') and ultimately rehomed.
Next up was Sally, 33 who was currently working with animals at Sidmouth Donkey Sanctuary. She'll fit right in. Give her the job NOW!!!
Adrian also expressed a serious interest in the managerial course. He is 29 years old and from Newton Abbot and currently working in Torbay Hospital as an A&E nurse, a job which has seen him on the verge of burnout and thoroughly disillusioned with the NHS. He was asked why the job as Torquay manager appealed as a viable employment alternative. "Well you basically do **** all and get paid for it and you always have ready made excuses if you fail like the players,ref, fans, matchday catering are shit instead of taking personal responsibility". He continued, "In A&E you have to think on your feet and be prepared to do whatever it takes in order to save someone. You have to get in there, quickly weigh up the situation and then BANG!! Hit it and get the job done at all costs. When things are critical you have to take urgent and decisive action. I think that mentality applies as a football manager too especially short term. In actual fact I can't understand why that new bloke at the club hasn't done the same?
"Adrian is used to people collapsing Bodin and Benyon-esque at his feet and also dealing with suspected cardiac victims so although he will be an asset for the former which is a regular occurrence at Plainmoor, he won't need his cardiac resus skills quite so much at Plainmoor as the only excitement likely to be seen there is when the ref blows for full time. In addition Adrian will have a great deal of knowledge about drugs that can be administered to the players in order to improve the squad. Drugs in sport is illegal and rightly so but if Adrian can whack a few hundred amitriptyline in both Mansell's and Harding's pre match energy drinks then it might be enough to relax their muscles enough to not make them run around the field of play with their arms out like they are trying to catch a tennis ball like a woman does. Still, Adrian would be a great manager I feel.
There have been plenty of applications for the playing positions too including from myself, my imaginary friend, my pet cats and a lump of concrete. All potential improvements on what we have at the minute and at a fraction of the cost. I mean all you would have to do is stick a big lump of concrete on the 6 yard line and whack balls into it to rebound off into the net. I fail to see how that strategy could generate a worse goal return than a fully fit and mobile Karl Hawley.
In fact using various inanimate objects could actually improve us as a team when you think about it. We could get our wingers to drive up and down the wings in a mobility scooter in order to get into promising positions so they could get a cross off. I know it's just semantics and we're dealing in tiny margins here but this method would see our attack play from the wings be quicker and more difficult than it is now to deal with for the opposition. Chalk could be used to our advantage to quickly draw on lines on the pitch so we can con the ref, trees could be used instead of players to slightly improve passing accuracy and increase the tempo of the game and finally I reckon for one last roll of the dice we should all club together as TUFC fans to hire a light aircraft to fly over Plainmoor next season with a banner Moyes-esque which reads..............
" "
No point in putting owt on it as there'll be nobody there to read it!!
For what it's worth I did speak to a really nice guy called Gerald and his mate Voodoo Ray and I'd say he was nailed on favourite for the job if it ever became available. At the moment he is combining working part time at Morrisons as a shelf stacker with studying for a degree in law. I asked him why he thought he would be the ideal candidate for the position and he said it was because his job was repetitive, predictable and unproductive and so he'd fit right in straight away and he also said that his degree course had made him see that what was happening at TUFC was **** criminal. =D
- that was a great post, actually made me chuckle.
