FUNNY Jokes, FUNNY Tubes & FUNNY Video Clips

Gullscorer · Post by **Gullscorer** » 24 Mar 2014, 17:40

[youtube]An2MTdtdtOA[/youtube]
[youtube]gqkQKZYDImM[/youtube]

Glostergull · Post by **Glostergull** » 28 Mar 2014, 00:17

EmetEdadsBeard wrote:A quicky for now (the story i spent about 20 minutes typing last night diappeared for some reason)

Whats orange and sounds like a Parrot?

Ferrarilover
(Best when drunk) :mrgreen:

Edited for accuracy.

Gullscorer · Post by **Gullscorer** » 28 Mar 2014, 14:08

Young child: 'Mummy, you are getting fat!'
Mother: 'Yes, dear, remember Mummy has a baby growing in her tummy.'
Young child: 'I know, but what's growing in your bum?'

Gullscorer · Post by **Gullscorer** » 28 Mar 2014, 14:15

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class.

She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read: '... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, 'The sky is falling, the sky is falling!'

The teacher paused, then asked the class, 'And what do you think the farmer said?'

One little girl raised her hand and said, 'I think he said: 'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!''

Gullscorer · Post by **Gullscorer** » 11 Apr 2014, 05:34

This Grandmother is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She wrote from the USA to her grand-daughter:

Dear Grand-daughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a 'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting. So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience followed.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed. I found that lots of people love Jesus! While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of God! Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!' What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Then everyone started honking! I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those lovely loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach. Then I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant. He said it was a Hawaiian good luck sign. Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back. My grandson burst out laughing. Why, even he was enjoying this wonderful religious experience!!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through the intersection. But I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared. So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!

Will write again soon.

Love, Grandma.

EmetEdadsBeard · Post by **EmetEdadsBeard** » 11 Apr 2014, 15:20

[youtube]3p_xAToFzck[/youtube]

cambgull · Post by **cambgull** » 12 Apr 2014, 13:49

Ha! Thoroughly enjoyed that one Gullscorer!

EmetEdadsBeard · Post by **EmetEdadsBeard** » 12 Apr 2014, 17:54

Gullscorer · Post by **Gullscorer** » 12 Apr 2014, 18:44

Footballers! No penalty need ever be missed in the future!

I have developed a simple technique for taking penalty kicks which ensures that goalkeepers will be beaten every time. It's so simple that I'm surprised nobody ever thought of it before. With a minimal amount of practice, even the most inexperienced and nervous player with the weakest of kicks will be able to score every time from the penalty spot!

Despite never having played a game of football in my life, I have actually proved the infallibility of this technique in practice. It is based on insight gained during my years of experience as a snooker hall and pub pool player, and it works every time!

And now, for the first time ever, this amazing method is being made available to all Torquay United players and supporters and local amateur footballers. A one-page leaflet with full instructions on how to achieve Perfect Penalty Proficiency can be yours now, months before this brilliant development is offered to the world!

Make yourself a hero. Simply send £5 (cash, cheque or postal order) in an envelope to me at the following address:

Dammit, my landlord's just told me I'm to be evicted.. This will have to wait until I find another bedsit somewhere..

EmetEdadsBeard · Post by **EmetEdadsBeard** » 12 Apr 2014, 23:56

: imagesYGEGBH0M.jpg (4.39 KiB) Viewed 936 times

: images33B78Y5J.jpg (5.49 KiB) Viewed 936 times

chunkygull · Post by **chunkygull** » 15 Apr 2014, 15:53

Friday night down Palace Place!

[youtube]oSJSDwe2wVY[/youtube]

Gullscorer · Post by **Gullscorer** » 16 Apr 2014, 19:41

A guy goes over to his friend's house, and rings the bell. The wife answers the door.

'Hi, is Tony home?' he asks.

'No, he went to the store.'

'Well, d'you mind if I wait?'

'No come in.'

They sit down and the friend says: 'You know Sara, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one.'

Sara thinks about this for a second and figures, what the hell, a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws a 100 bucks on the table.

They sit there a while longer and Chris says, 'Sara, your breasts are so beautiful I've got to see the both of them. I'll give you another 100 bucks if I could just see the both of them together.'

Sara thinks about this and again thinks 'what the hell'; she opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her and throws another 100 bucks on the table. Then says he can't wait any longer for Tony, and he leaves.

A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says: 'You know, your weird friend Chris came over.'

Tony thinks about this for a half a second and says: 'Did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?'

Gullscorer · Post by **Gullscorer** » 16 Apr 2014, 20:04

Two Irishmen were sitting a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street.

They saw a baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, 'Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad.'

Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, 'Aye, 'tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin' victim to temptation.'

Then they saw a Catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen said, 'What a terrible pity... one of the poor lasses must be gravely ill.'

Gullscorer · Post by **Gullscorer** » 16 Apr 2014, 20:11

A guy walked into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He put the alligator up on the bar. He turned to the astonished patrons and said: 'I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the alligator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this, each of you will buy me a drink.'

The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The alligator closed its mouth and the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head.

The alligator opened its mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer. 'I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try.'

A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up at the end of the bar and a woman timidly spoke up. 'I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with a beer bottle.'

Gullscorer · Post by **Gullscorer** » 16 Apr 2014, 20:29

A Welshman buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After some weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting
pregnant and phones a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.

The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how will he
know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will top standing around and will lie down and wallow in grass instead. The farmer hangs up and gives it some thought.

He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself, so he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take and loads them in the Land Rover again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted.

Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing around. 'Try again,' he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drives out to the woods. He spends all day with the sheep and upon returning home, falls shattered into bed.

The next morning, he's still so exhausted he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look out of the window. He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass.

'No,' she says, 'but they're all in the Land Rover, and one of them is beeping the horn.'

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