forevertufc wrote:
To help Matt out here, I've scrubbed out the questions that were not in anyway relevant.
And then failed, quite spectacularly, to answer even one of your cherry-picked questions adequately. Quite an achievement, that.
Let's start at the very beginning and see if, by the end, you have a slightly better idea of what having nothing means.
You're the Chairman of TUFC. You want to scout a pacy winger from the pub leagues, but, as we know, what you know about football can be printed in gold for about 50p. So, you need someone to do the scouting for you. You do currently have some employees that you could pressgang into doing the job. However...
One is a man called Chris. He's the groundsman and has never so much as got the MOTM award right on the Super Sunday match. He did once vote for the winner on Match of the Day's Goal of the Season award, but unfortunately he used the wrong hashtag, so his vote didn't count.
Another is called Patrick. Patrick is a fat man with a degree in It Support and absolutely zero interest in football.
The third is Rob, he's the Stadium Manager and knows loads about paperwork. He reckon's Rooney is England's best player and that Heineken is the nectar of the Gods. Would you trust Rob's judgement?
So, with those three out, you turn to the one man you know you can trust, your faithful first team manager, Kevin.
Kevin already does 143 hours a week for his £300, but he'll do it, right?
Off you go to the old broom cupboard which you cunningly cleared out and put a light in when the FA came round and asked to meet the manager 'in his office'. In there you find Kevin. Unfortunately, due to the amount of work he's been doing lately, Kevin is dead. As a doornail. Heart attack, probably, or maybe sheer force of will. We'll never know.
So then, you're out of options. Your next job is to get on the horn and scare up some interest.
You flip through your little black book and see the names of three scouts. You decide to call them.
First person you call is Tim. He's chief scout for some club called Manchester City. He earns £5m/year, flies everywhere by private jet and gets paid entry to any match he so chooses.
Person two is Mike. He's assistant chief scout at Leeds United. You know him from his time dealing with Eunan. He makes £500,000/year and has a Mercedes S500 at his exclusive attention. Can get tickets for any match he likes, but has to claim them back through expenses.
Bloke three is Roger. Roger is unemployed. He gets £73.10/week on the rock and roll and knows a friendly bus driver who sometimes gives him a free ride into town. Used to be able to hop over a low wall out the back of Nuneaton Borough, but once got his bollocks caught on a nail while halfway over, so doesn't bother with football anymore.
In the words of a famous movie theme; who ya gonna call?
Bearing in mind, what we're offering is the following:
Salary: £0
Expenses limit: £0
Travel allowance: £0
Relocation allowance: £0
Other perks: well... Eerm... You see... Eerm... Nope, sorry, none.
Maybe stick an advert on Reed. Oh, no, that's out because we haven't got the £50/week or whatever Reed charge for their service.
So, you're recruiting for a job with no pay or perks with no advertising budget. COME ON MAN, YOU'VE HAD 15 MINUTES, WHY AREN'T WE SIGNING PEOPLE ALREADY!!!!!!11!1!!1!
Matt.