FUNNY Jokes, FUNNY Tubes & FUNNY Video Clips

EmetEdadsBeard · Post by **EmetEdadsBeard** » 15 Apr 2017, 18:24

Do you know what happened to the monk who tied his knob to the bell rope?

He got tolled off.

EmetEdadsBeard · Post by **EmetEdadsBeard** » 15 Apr 2017, 22:40

A mate of mine went away on business. He was in the hotel restaurant alone having a meal when he caught a glimpse of a rather attractive lady, also alone sitting having a drink.
Suddenly she started to cough, and her glass eye popped out, rolled along the table and bounced on the floor. My mate scooped it up, walked over to the lady and conspicuously handed it back to her, and she put it back in its place,
"Thank you" she said, "can I buy you a drink?" "Yes thank you " says my mate "can I join you for dinner?"
"Yes , please do" says the lady.
The evening goes on and they get on like a house on fire, drinks are flowing and eventually the lady asks him to join her in her room, where they spend the rest of the night.
The following morning my mate asks if he can see her again.
"Sorry" she replies " I cant, I'm married with kids".
"Oh, do you do this sort of thing a lot then?" asks my mate.
"No, never, I've never done that before" she replies.
"Oh , OK, but why me?" says my mate.
"Well" The lady replies.......

"You just caught my eye..........."

EmetEdadsBeard · Post by **EmetEdadsBeard** » 23 Apr 2017, 09:27

Quasimodo walks into a bar, strolls straight up to the barman and says "I"ll have a whiskey please.
The barman says "Bells alright"?
Quasi replies "Mind your own f**king business".

Gullscorer · Post by **Gullscorer** » 06 May 2017, 22:50

The Australian Poetry Competition had come down to two finalists; a university graduate and an old Aborigine. They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word.

The word they were given was "TIMBUKTU".

First to recite his poem was the university graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said:

"Slowly across the desert sand,
Trekked a lonely caravan,
Men on camels two by two,
destination - Timbuktu."

The crowd went crazy! No way could the old abbo top that, they thought. The old Aboriginal calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:

"Me and Tim a huntin' went,
Met three whores in a pop up tent.
They was three, and we was two.
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu."

The old Aboriginal won.

Gullscorer · Post by **Gullscorer** » 19 May 2017, 12:24

Recently visited Thailand and went to the Kim Jong Un Korean restaurant, where they served disgusting meals and treated all the customers like shit. When I complained and asked why, I was told: 'this dog-eat-dog restaurant'..

Anyway, on the menu, they had: Chef's Special Sarin Sausage (meal-of-the-day), and Special Mushroom Salad (Nuclear Option). When I chose the nuclear option, I was told: 'Very sorry, Rocket not ready yet'..

So I said: 'Is the Sarin Sausage any good?' and was told: 'Nobody ever complained.'

Gullscorer · Post by **Gullscorer** » 23 May 2017, 15:33

I was fishing with a friend the other day and he said he was thinking of divorcing his wife 'because she hadn't talked to him for three months'. I said 'why would you get rid of a woman who possesses those qualities'..

Gullscorer · Post by **Gullscorer** » 24 May 2017, 13:10

Tranquillisers work best if you do what it says on the bottle:

'Keep away from children'...

Gullscorer · Post by **Gullscorer** » 24 May 2017, 20:28

There are only two rules for success:
1) Never tell everything you know.
2).

Gullscorer · Post by **Gullscorer** » 24 May 2017, 20:47

A German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch. The old German Shepherd thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep shit now!"

Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.
"Whew!" says the panther, "That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes. The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.

The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"

Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?"

But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says: "Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"

Moral of this story... Don't mess with the old dogs . Age and skill will always overcome youth and inexperience!

Gullscorer · Post by **Gullscorer** » 06 Jun 2017, 00:00

The Muslims first invented the condom in the year 654 using a goat intestine.

Christians expanded on this idea in 1364 by taking the intestine out of the goat first.

Gullscorer · Post by **Gullscorer** » 06 Jun 2017, 16:56

I heard recently that the guy who played Captain Kirk in Star Trek has had to close down his lingerie firm. Apparently the brand name 'Shatner Knickers' just never worked..

EmetEdadsBeard · Post by **EmetEdadsBeard** » 30 Jun 2017, 18:56

My wife told me that sex is loads better on holiday... wasn't the best postcard I've received........

EmetEdadsBeard · Post by **EmetEdadsBeard** » 30 Jun 2017, 19:04

A mate of mine walked into a bar and sat next to a really attractive woman,
He gave her a quick glance then causally looked at his watch for a moment.
The woman noticed this and asked, "Is your date running late?"
"No", he replied, "I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it."
Intrigued, the woman asks, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it
My mate explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."
"What's it telling you now?" the lady continues
"Well, it says you're not wearing any knickers."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing knicker!
My mate smiled, tapped his watch and said, "Bugger thing's an hour fast."

EmetEdadsBeard · Post by **EmetEdadsBeard** » 02 Jul 2017, 20:20

“I can’t believe that you’ve been visiting prostitutes for sex,” Mrs Beard screamed at me. “I’m really disappointed.”
“You can hardly blame me,” I answered. “It’s not like I was getting any from you.”
“Well, that’s your own fault,” she replied. “You never told me you were willing to pay for it.”

Post by **westbaygull** » 21 Jul 2017, 20:32

So, I bought myself a Thesaurus. When I got home, I realised that every page was blank. There are no words to describe how angry I am.

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