). The yellow soldiers file out of the tunnel on a fingerstiffening bitter night in Hertfordshire and take their places on the pitch. The ref blows for kick off, we take control from the off, we attack at will causing their brittle defenders more problems than i experience getting credit. We pepper their goal with shots and not spices, we create havoc in their penalty box and we go in at half time deserved 3-0 victors. Second half we enjoy more of the same before sympathetically allowing our browbeaten opponents the comfort of a goal of their own. We win 7-1.In reality, we stumble out of the tunnel, freeze up like statues and let a resurgent Barnet side pummel us into submission ultimately losing 3-0. It becomes the Edgar & Collins show, each sublime instant pin point pass a clever ploy into gaining a few seconds of chat with our dozing midfielders who respond to the passes like the Titanic to an iceberg.
"So Billy, which film star would you like to play you in a film of your career?", Edgar quizzes the Gulls midfielder as he stands there static deciding whether or not it's worth his while attempting to chase the ball. "I dunno really"
, says Bodin. "I don't really watch films, i'm more of a tv fan so on that basis i'd probably say Onslow from Keeping Up Appearances. Yeah him". Davids' clinical pass reaches Ricky Holmes in a dangerous position on the edge of the Gulls penalty area but there is just enough time for Edgar to shout over the same question to Ryan Jarvis who was afforded a rare start due to being more effective in a box than Harry Houdini. At least that's what Martin told the poor lad :no: . You've got to give them support you see and keep their confidence up. They're like schoolkids you know, exam pressure, wondering if they'll ever kiss a girl, can they get served for Thunderbirds at the local offy, how do they conceal the smell of fags when they get home, battling adolescent feelings, where the f*ck did that gigantic zit arrive from? These footballers you know, they're grown adults so they NEED our constant support telling them we still adore them even though we've just spent the best part of two hours stood in a death trap football stadium slowly but surely losing blood flow to our extremities, spending £20 to get in and then faced with a 4 hour journey home, in the dark rounded off with a particularly unruly bout of the sh*ts which requires me to stop off at every service station on the way home AND a field with random farm animals in it to relieve the symptoms - JUST to watch them play like dismembered cattle.
Anyway, Jarvis responded to the film star question quite audibly,"SEABISCUIT!" He bawled. This got the attention of match ref Darren Deadman immediately who bounded up to the confused Gulls star clutching at his back pocket. "You're off sonny, go on walk - I WILL NOT HAVE LANGUAGE LIKE THAT ON A FOOTBALL FIELD!" the ref exclaimed
. "I didn't swear ref! What IS this?" Jarvis asked, understandably perplexed by the events unfolding. "LOOK! I'm the ref and not only that I'M DARREN DEADMAN and i do whatever the hell i like. I'm the Millwall, Leeds and Exeter of the refereeing fraternity and do i care if no-one likes me? Do i f*ck! So off you go sunshine, i don't need a reason to give you an early bath Jarvis I'M DARREN DEADMAN!"
"Look Mr Deadman", Jarvis replied defiantly. "You DO need a reason to send me off actually!"
"OK then", said Deadman, "how about this..................................YOU'RE SH*T!!!!!!!!!!!" :na:
Jarvis knew he had NO answer to that, he was bang to rights and began the long trudge back to the dressing room. Gulls boss Martin Ling arose from the bench to confront Jarvis but Jarvis got in there first, "Sorry boss, i've let everybody down, you, the crew, the lads, the fans, my collection of teddy bears at home that i need when i'm low on confidence. EVERYBODY!"
"Never mind that Jarvo, why the f*ckin' 'ell would you like Seabiscuit to play you in a film yer daft tw*t?!" a puzzled Ling asked. "Because he runs in straight lines and his ancestors were probably donkeys, similar to my footballing profile" explained the weary Torquay striker. Lingy shook his head in disbelief and sat back down to watch his team endure more constant Barnet pressure.
Ricky Holmes fed joint chat show host and Barnet footballer Collins John who was in on goal and face to face with determined Gulls keeper Michael Poke. Nico and Brian bellowed, "COME OUT POKEY! COME OUT!!!"
Pokey stood rooted to his line quivering, "This is no time for banter you two pair of clowns, how many times do i have to tell you? I'M NOT HOMOSEXUAL!!!!! Jesus! "
. Collins John had NEVER been faced with a situation before whereby he was literally face to face with a goalkeeper and in a simple goalscoring position. "Good evening Michael, can i ask why you remain and refrain and don't come at me like a train?" said Collins."Listen Collins, firstly i NEVER come off my line and secondly you just take the ball 20 yards further back and have a crack and i bet you i can save it. Anything from outside the box and i'm f*ckin' 'avin' it man! Look, if you shoot from on the goal line it's not fair AND you'll score. How unfair is that?! Pokey replied.
"You had plenty of chance to come out and close me down Michael so do one will ya! Too late 1-0 the Bees!! Haha!"
Collins John had riled Pokey to such an extent that Pokey began hyperventilating and his big flapping keepers hands started to grow. They grew and grew and the more angrier he got the bigger his hands got
. This was incredible. After 5 minutes of 'hand growing trauma' Pokeys appendages had reached full size! The size of John Terry's HEAD! F*cking ginormous! 
"Ref! Ref!" shouted Johnny Oster, Barnets' diminutive Welshman. "This is blatant timewasting!"
"Don't worry son, i'm adding the time on at the end of the game" the ref reassured the leek munching midfielder.
Anyway, Pokey began chasing Collins John around Underhill but John was lightining quick and couldn't be caught. Pokey had a brainstorm :ping: and it wasn't to come and claim crosses more often. It was to use the massive hands as a sort of sledge down the famous slope of Underhill. This brainwave worked and he soon caught up with Collins and engulfed him with his huge hands. Collins fell over like Luiz Suarez right in front of Mr Deadman.
"I saw that Michael! You're off lad!
You can't raise your hands to an opponent and expect to get away with it. Go on, off!" ordered Deadman. Pokey was incensed! "What the hell was i supposed to do when my hands are the size of Paris?! I couldn't get them out of the way they are too big. They have become a burden" he sobbed. "I don't care one jot about your physiological imbalances, get off the pitch!" said the ref.
"Well i wish someone would send you off you big vagina because then you'd be a deadman walking! Haha geddit!
Also the person i would like to play me in films would be Johnny Depp in Edward Scissorhands coz i'd have scissors as hands!" Pokey snarled.Anyway, the Edgar & Collins show eventually ended and so did Torquay's hopes of getting a positive result at Underhill.
THE END.........................
It's not the end though, it's just the beginning. The Gulls DO make their way into Greater London on tuesday night for a crucial league game at Barnet. We all know that the Bees have appointed former Juventus and 1995 Champions League winning ex-Dutch international superstar Edgar Davids as joint coach alongside Mark Robson. This move came as a big shock and has given the perennial strugglers a bigger profile these past few weeks. Davids lives only a mile from Barnet and of course used to ply his trade with North London giants Tottenham Hotspur and the 39 year old has certainly had a positive impact on the club helping them to a 3 game unbeaten run in the league where they have won 2 and drawn 1 scoring 5 and not conceding. This is in contrast to the Bees form prior to his arrival where they had only kept one clean sheet in 12 games.
Barnet currently sit rock bottom of the NPower League 2 table and seem to have this relegation struggle every year since returning to the football league in 2005. They have 10 points, gaining 7 from their last 3 games and they have a goal difference of -13 which is joint worst with Aldershot. Their top scorer is Jake Hyde on 3, Ricky Holmes on 2 and Jon Nurse also on 2. They have an array of wonderfully named foreign players including Cameroonian Clovis Kamdjo, Saudi Ahmed Abdulla, Barbadian Jon Nurse, Sierra Leonian (is that right?) Ishmail Kamara as well as experienced Dutchmen Edgar Davids and Collins John. And just to prove how dull English names can be in comparison, they also have Barry Fuller!
They also have a player who sounds like a dodgy builder based in Romford..............IFFY ALLEN! 
They have busy midfielder and former Everton, Sunderland and Donny wizard John Oster who was a free over the summer. Goalkeeper Graham Stack was also brought in on a free from Hibs and also Welsh U-21 international and former Hibs defender David Stephens was recruited. They also have familar names such as Steve Kabba, Jon Nurse and Ricky Holmes and defender Mark Byrne was named in the recent team of the week.
The last two meetings between us have both been evening fixtures and both been narrow 1-0 wins for the Gulls. Kevin Nicholson bombing one in from about 30 yards in the last minute at Plainmoor and Danny Stevens with a supremely clever finish at their place in March. The last time we were at Underhill it was a friday night and 556 Gulls were there, given it's a tuesday and considering the apathetic performance against Harrogate Town i'll stick my neck out and go for 250 ish?
Underhill is a ground i've never been to and it seems unlikely i ever will go there considering they should be leaving it come the end of the season to relocate to a new ground in Edgware. I can't say i'm unhappy though without being disrespectful as by all accounts it's like the southern equivalent of Accrington. Underhill has the famous sloping pitch and it has a capacity of 5,500 and a new south stand was built in 2008. The North Terrace is a distinguishing feature as it has a large mesh fence behind it to stop balls flying over and hitting the houses behind the ground. You can see it on TV highlights. Torquay fans will generally be housed in a small temporary covered stand that is situated along one side of the ground.
There is plenty of street parking available and also you can park at the High Barnet Underground station which means a short walk down the hill to the ground. Don't have a cardiac arrest on the way back up though! I believe there is a small parking charge for using the station. The ground is easily accessible from the M25. That has got to be the scariest word EVER! M25! M25! I'm sh*ttin' myself at the very thought of it. LONDON! LONDON! EVEN SCARIER MAN AND IT WILL BE DARK! ARGGGGHH! :aww: There ain't no way a northerner worth his salt is going to set foot inside the alien world that is anything inside the M25. I'd be more at home on Jupiter than London (area) AND i'd get more conversation out of the locals too! Needless to say i am not going to this one but only because i can't set off in time otherwise i'd have got my body armour on and made the trip.
Apparently the Old Red Lion is a favourite away fans haunt situated just behind the north entrance to Underhill and there are a few other pubs in the area that accept away fans. There is a bar at the ground but for home fans only i believe. Tickets are as follows:
ADULTS SEATING: £17 ADULTS STANDING: £16 CONCESSIONS: £13 includes bloody students, over 60's like gg and troj and juniors 14-19 so myself. UNDER 14's: £9 (I dare a 14 year old to try and get in for 9 quid! Go on! It will be the BEST!) :rules:
As ever our excellent travel club are providing transport for the game and i thoroughly recommend you take advantage of the value they present. An adult return is £30 whilst under 12's are £15. Contact 07861 907090 if you wish to book or for info.
Coaches leave from PAIGNTON RAILWAY STATION @ 12.30pm, TORQUAY COACH STATION @ 12.45pm, NEWTON ABBOTT PENN INN @ 1pm and from EXETER SERVICES @ 1.20pm.
The game is also an 8pm kick off and NOT 7.45pm.
Anyway Barnet have beaten Chesterfield away 1-0, Northampton at home 4-0 and drawn 0-0 at a resurgent Wycombe Wanderers in the league but they were dumped out of the FA Cup at the first hurdle by Oxford United at Underhill. The 2-0 reverse means that, just like us, they have gone out of all the cups in the first round.
Last time out v Oxford United
1. Sam Cowler (gk)
2. Barry Fuller
3. Jordan Brown
4. Clovis Kamdjo
5. Jonathan Fortune (captain)
6. David Stephens
7. Oliver Lee
8. Mark Byrne
9. Andy Yiadom
10. Curtis Weston
11. Collins John
SUBS: Liam O'Brian (gk) UNUSED, Jack Saville ( thank Christ his parents didn't call him Jimmy
) UNUSED, Ahmed Abdulla UNUSED, Anthony Edgar UNUSED, Iffy Allen (on for Weston on 73 mins ), Edgar Davids ( on for Lee on 73 mins ), Jamal Lowe ( on for John on 60 mins ).Barnet made 5 or 6 changes to the side that beat Chesterfield in their last league game for this game and so i would expect them to return to the starting line up. Ricky Holmes has had an injury niggle but they are hoping he will be fit. So all in all a tough time is on the cards for the boys and i'm not even go down the Harrogate route by suggesting that they are struggling so we should be beating them. Again i just hope for a really good, energetic performance to restore some faith back in the yellow army because another abject display in this one would really have the forum buzzing afterwards more than it's ever been. I'm going to err on the side of caution because i've got my fingers burnt on too many occasions away this season. We have been atrocious in nearly all our away games and i have no reason to expect that to change come tuesday night sadly. Normally we would expect the lads to have had a kick up the jacksy and to come out fighting to restore pride again. That is what i expect as the bare minimum but what i expect and what actually will happen are two completely different things most of the time so far as Torquay are concerned. I want to be positive but i just can't see us getting a win anyway. A draw maybe. We don't know how much Barnet are progressing either, i mean you can ignore the cup defeat to Oxford as they had half their usual team out so going on the three previous legaue games it's going to be tough and they could be anything now they have this confidence. I,m sure many of you will be excited at the prospect of seeing Edgar Davids playing against Torquay and that will a surreal experience i will sadly miss. I'm going for a desperate performance but we grab a 1-1 draw through Rene.
The referee for this one is Darren Deadman OMFG! I can take Stuart Attwell, i can take Mark Clattenburg and i can even take being reffed by H from Steps but any of the dreaded D's and we're screwed before we've even kicked a ball. DARREN DEADMAN, DARREN DRYSDALE AND DANNY McDERMID are all not of this earth, they are illuminati or something and i don't trust them. I'd go so far as to say that they may even make animal sacrifices in their dressing rooms at half time. They are pure EVIL MAN!!!!!!!!
The glamourous assistants ( sorry, sacraficial slave helpers ) are STEPHEN DALY and MARC WILSON and the 4th official charged with the task of holding up the time board as well as spending the morning running around South Devon farmland looking for sheep to slaughter for half time is STUART BUTLER. What's wrong with a cup of tea or a f*cking orange?!
Well that's all folks. No ANDY'S TOWN OF THE DAY TODAY as Barnet isn't really a 'destination' or has little to really talk about so i'll save it for Oxford. Please dear God, play better Torquay.
