Chairman's Statement
Posted: 27 Oct 2015, 01:17
How about this to please all the fickle fans?
'Dear supporters,
We on the board would like to apologise for the performance of an inexperienced, underpaid group of youngsters that we managed to cobble together on the shoestring budget imposed on us due to the ineptitude of our last board. We will be ensuring that Kev fines the culprits responsible for the goals and knocks every last bit of confidence out of them on the training ground on Monday.
We will also be using the not-so-great amount that we currently have in the players fund with immediate effect to sign five new players, each on a princely sum of £80pw. Unfortunately, they have all come from the South Devon Schools League, as we ballsed up and couldn't get Lionel Messi to agree on image rights.
We'd like to offer all supporters free entry to the next five home games in the hope that we don't go bankrupt in the meantime, and we will be installing a £20,000 Opus soundsystem at Plainmoor to pump out some tunes and raise the atmosphere at home games.
To enhance your match day experience further still, we are recruiting cheerleaders from the young mum's association of Torbay, we trust you will enjoy their displays of synchronised smoking and all-action, high-flying heroin injection.
Oh, and having read the 'Dear Kevin Nicholson' thread, we are also delighted to announce that KN has agreed to abandon all ball control, phase of play, passing, shooting, heading, shadow play and every other type of training that isn't dedicated to defending set pieces. We will be introducing a high-tech system of cattle prods to encourage the players to mark better.
Meanwhile, as we want to take our fans' input on board, please email us at [email protected] to suggest to us which of players are not, in fact, professional footballers and merely con artists masquerading as such. Each week, we'll sack the player with the most votes. If you have picked the sacked player, you'll be entered into a prize draw to hand-deliver his P45!!!
COYY!
Lots of love, hugs and kisses,
The Board
'Dear supporters,
We on the board would like to apologise for the performance of an inexperienced, underpaid group of youngsters that we managed to cobble together on the shoestring budget imposed on us due to the ineptitude of our last board. We will be ensuring that Kev fines the culprits responsible for the goals and knocks every last bit of confidence out of them on the training ground on Monday.
We will also be using the not-so-great amount that we currently have in the players fund with immediate effect to sign five new players, each on a princely sum of £80pw. Unfortunately, they have all come from the South Devon Schools League, as we ballsed up and couldn't get Lionel Messi to agree on image rights.
We'd like to offer all supporters free entry to the next five home games in the hope that we don't go bankrupt in the meantime, and we will be installing a £20,000 Opus soundsystem at Plainmoor to pump out some tunes and raise the atmosphere at home games.
To enhance your match day experience further still, we are recruiting cheerleaders from the young mum's association of Torbay, we trust you will enjoy their displays of synchronised smoking and all-action, high-flying heroin injection.
Oh, and having read the 'Dear Kevin Nicholson' thread, we are also delighted to announce that KN has agreed to abandon all ball control, phase of play, passing, shooting, heading, shadow play and every other type of training that isn't dedicated to defending set pieces. We will be introducing a high-tech system of cattle prods to encourage the players to mark better.
Meanwhile, as we want to take our fans' input on board, please email us at [email protected] to suggest to us which of players are not, in fact, professional footballers and merely con artists masquerading as such. Each week, we'll sack the player with the most votes. If you have picked the sacked player, you'll be entered into a prize draw to hand-deliver his P45!!!
COYY!
Lots of love, hugs and kisses,
The Board
