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EmetEdadsBeard wrote:My mate Paddy was baffled by his orange penis. His doctor asked him if anyone else in his family has the same problem. "No" says Paddy. "Do you handle any chemicals or dyes at work? asks the doctor. "No, I haven't got a job" replies Paddy. "Well what do you do all day?" asks the doc.
"Watch porn and eat Nik Naks" says Paddy................... :-o :-o :-o

My doctor rang me the other day, he said my wifes test results had got mixed up with another patients.
"We don't know whether she's got Alzheimers disease or AIDS" says the doc.
"What shall I do?" asks I
"Well, I'm going to put her on the wrong bus. If she finds her way home don't shag her!" he replies

:S :S :S

I'm in trouble with the wife as per usual. We were in bed, naked the other night and she asked what I would most like to do with her body.







Apparently 'Identify it' wasn't the reply she was looking for............. :Oops: :Oops: :Oops:

A bloke in a pub having a drink holds his glass up to his top pocket and a little newt pops its head out and has a slurp.

Barman : "What was that ?"

Bloke : "That's my pet called Tiny."

Barman : "Why Tiny ?"

Bloke : " Because he's my newt."

The Japanese Government have thanked Britain for the rescue dogs they sent out. They said they tasted delicious!!!

No more jokes about the Japanese Tsunami please. One of my mates has died out there! RIP So Kin Wet

A man goes to see a wizard and says "Can you lift a curse that was put on me years ago?"
"Maybe" says the wizard "If you can remeber the words of the curse."
The man replies "I now pronounce you man and wife!"

Those poor Japanese. I can imagine how they feel, last time I had 8 aftershocks I couldnt find my house either!

Man in hospital bed wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth "Nurse" he mumbles."Are my testicles black?"
Nurse raises his gown, hold his penis in one hand and his balls in the other, she takes a close look and says "Theres nothing wrong with them Sir"
Man pulls off his oxygen mask and says very slowly "Thanks for that it was lovely but listen carefully, Are-my-test-results-back?"

I'm doing a couple of charity gigs this week for people who struggle to orgasm.















Don't worry if you can't come....................

A mate of mine went into W.H.Smith the other day.
"Do you have that new self help book for men with very small cocks?" he asked.
"Don't think its in yet" replies the assistant.
"Yea, thats the one" says my mate :-o :-o :-o

I was in the pub and got chatting to this big black bloke, he reckoned he'd been off work for 2 years with a sore leg and still got paid £60,000 a week! I said 'you have to be joking?!' he said 'nah, I'm his brother Ledley'

Four Jamaicans were sitting around a campfire near the beach. They were all philosophising about what was the fastest thing in the world.
Seymour says "Me tink de fasses ting is a tort, becars befor you can tink it yous arlreddy tort it"
Winston says "Nah man, , da fasses ting is a blink, cos befor yous tink to blink, yous dun blink arlreddy"
Delroy says "No man, da fasses ting is heelecticeety, becars when you turn on de switch it travel fass an de lite it com on"
Leroy says " Nah man, yous is aaaall rang. I no's dis for a fact dat de fasses ting is diarrhoea, cos las nite befor me cud tink, blink or turn on de lite me shit meself!

Bloke walks into a pub and asks for a pint of anything except Stella. Barman asks, "What's wrong with Stella?" Bloke says, "I had 12 pints of Stella last night and when I came round I was f**king skint."
Barman says, "12 pints of anything costs about the same."
Bloke replies, "Skint's my dog." :-|

Apparently, the Irish SAS joined in the US covert assault last Monday.


They stormed Debenhams and took out Summer Bed Linen on the 3rd floor.