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Man sat at the bar having a drink sees a woman walk in and sit on her own.

"I'd give her one", he says to the barman.

Overhearing, the woman says to him "I wouldn't have sex with you if you were the last man on earth".

Man looks at her and says "We were giving women marks out of ten and I gave you one, so shut up you ugly cow"

Two blondes tried opening there new Convertable with a coat hanger.
The first blonde goes, "Fuc k i can't open the bugger and its starting to hammer down with rain"
The second blonde goes "Try harder because the interior is going to get wet"

My Gran caught me having a wank the other day. She was so shocked she had a stroke.



Surprisingly soft hands for a pensioner..........

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There were some Eco warriors protesting outside the local council offices. They all had their "Save The Ancient Woodland" posters and banners. So I decided to go down there and take the piss.

"Chop 'em all down, we need the logs!" I cried.

"Go away you monster!" one of the hippies shouted.

"Seriously," I laughed "you know they're going to do it so you're wasting your time. What are they building anyway, a motorway? Airport?"

"A mosque" he replied.

I've been protesting with them for three days now.

My wife and I auditioned for Britain's Got Talent last month.
Simon said, "What is your act?"
I said, "Magic."
He said, "Okay, so what are you both going to do?"
I said, "We are going to make a child disappear into thin air."
He said, "Have you ever done this before?"
I said, "Yes, once."
He said, "Okay Gerry & Kate, good luck."

Emile Heskey (England) 59 caps, 7 goals.

Rene Higuita (Colombia) 68 caps, 8 goals.

Jose Luis Chilavert (Paraguay) 74 caps, 8 goals.

Unlucky Emile, the other two are goalkeepers...

How do you stop a dog from humping your leg?

Pick it up and suck its cock

scottbrehaut wrote:How do you stop a dog from humping your leg?

Pick it up and suck its c**k

I wondered why Apollo was quiet while you were here

cambgull wrote:Emile Heskey (England) 59 caps, 7 goals.

Rene Higuita (Colombia) 68 caps, 8 goals.

Jose Luis Chilavert (Paraguay) 74 caps, 8 goals.

Unlucky Emile, the other two are goalkeepers...

Trojan 67 wrote:I was standing in a queue behind a fat woman who had an enormous arse when her phone started beeping.

A little kid behind me said,"Watch out Mister! She's reversing!"

A certain Mr Tisdale was caught on the M5 doing 125 MPH last night. When Police finally caught up and stopped im asking why he was going that fast.he stated "I thought that was the only way we could get 3 points this season"!

Skirt lifted a bird's skirt the other night, she was wearing Meatloaf knickers.


On the front it read, "I'll do anything for love."

So I spun her around . . .

On the back it read, "But I won't do that."

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years.

The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and he smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor as she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to rip them out. Then one Sunday morning as she was preparing the chicken for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.

She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling the bed covers back, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of chicken guts into his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty well...

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter.

He said, "Honey you were right! All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you".

"What do you mean?" asked his wife.

"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened".

"But by the grace of god, some Vaseline and two fingers. I think I got most of them back in".

ohhhh Groossssss. I think i wanna be sick.. lol