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I never wanted to believe it when my mate was accused of stealing from his job as a roadworker, but when I visited his house all the signs were there..........

I went to the cemetry last week to put some flowers on my wifes grave. I saw a group of pall bearers walking around the cemetry with a coffin on their shoulders.. some 2 hours later as I was leaving the cemetry They were still walking around with this coffin on their shoulders.
I thought. They must have lost the plot!

BREAKING NEWS
A new Arab crisis was looming last night after Dubai was refused permission to air The Flintstones. A spokesman for the TV channel said last night that a claim was made that the population in Dubia would be understand the Humour. But he went on Further. We know it for a fact that People in Abu dubia Do.

I went to my local pet shop the other day to buy a tarantula for my kids birthday. They were £130. wow that's expensive. I could get one cheaper from the Web

I was warned by my Doctor that I should stop my bad habit of drinking brake fluid. But I told him that I could stop at any time.

Manchester United and Manchester City have teamed up to release a new fragrance - it's called Channel no. 5

??? I assume thats a reference to them both now being in the Europa league. Is it on channel 5 ? I don't watch it as a rule as Torquay isn't involved lol.

My mate just got back from the World Masturbating championships.


He came first and third!

Just got some sausages from Sainsburys with a picture of jamie Oliver on the packet.
On the back it says 'Prick with a fork'.
Can't argue with that really................... 8/

For my next trick, I shall eat a percussion instrument in a bap. Drum roll please...

"Good morning, Childline, Lucy speaking, how can I help you?"

"Alright Lucy? It's Timmy"

"Timmy! How are you? It's been a while since we last spoke"

"Not good. He's done it again"

"Oh you poor love! I thought that it had stopped?"

"I know. And to top it off, my little brother got it too"

"Oh you poor darlings! Well, listen here, you and your brother are not alone. There are many children in this situation, even on Christmas morning and this is why we're here. Now, tell me, at your own speed, what was it this time?"

"The Plymouth Argyle away kit".

This random woman keeps having a go at me for my 'obsession' with biblical figures.

What a weirdo. I don't even Noah.

My blonde wife just said, "When are you going to tell me how long a fortnight is?"

I said, "Two weeks."

She said, "Tell me now! I can't wait that long."

I've just seen the dress code for the upcoming railway enthusiasts disco...

Everyone must wear platforms.

have erectile disfunction.

I went to the doctors, and one of the the things he gave me was a wallchart, to monitor my daily patterns.

But I couldn't get it up.