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a mexican was caught trying to sneak into america by a border patrol officer. "its your lucky day im in a realy good mood and im going to give you a chance if you can give me a sentence with yellow green and pink in it il let you go". the mexican thought for a while then said "okays i was seeting at home and the phone went green green so i pink it up and says yellow"

An elderly British gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane.

At the French immigration desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on bag.

"You have been to France before, Monsieur?" the Immigration officer asked, sarcastically.

The elderly gentleman admitted he had been to France previously.

"Then you should know well enough to have your passport ready."

The British gentleman says, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."

"Impossible. The British always have to show their passports on arrival in France!"

The elderly gentleman gave the French Immigration Officer a long hard look.

Then he quietly explained;

"Well, the last time I was here, I came ashore on Juno Beach on D-Day in June 1944, and I couldn't find any Frenchmen to show it to."

1. Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was assaulted.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married. The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was brilliant.

7. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

8. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home. "
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual."

9. Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," said Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!" Exclaimed Daisy.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull** before.

11. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him".
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What?!, Because he's cross-eyed?!?"
"No, because he's really heavy."

12. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese.
And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.
It's either my mom or my dad, or maybe my older brother Colin.
Or my younger brother Ho-Cha Chu. But I'm pretty sure it's Colin.

13. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

14. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him £50 that he couldn't reach the meat on the top shelf. He said, "no, the steaks are too high."

15. A man came to the hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted, "Doctor, doctor!, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut off your arms".

16. I went to a seafood disco rave last week....
and pulled a mussel.

17. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

18. A man walks into doctor's office.
"What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc.
"It's... um...well... I have five pe**ses" replies the man.
"Good grief!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?"
"Like a glove."

19. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh

yellow wrote:1. Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was assaulted.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married. The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was brilliant.

7. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

8. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home. "
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual."

9. Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," said Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!" Exclaimed Daisy.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull** before.

11. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him".
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What?!, Because he's cross-eyed?!?"
"No, because he's really heavy."

12. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese.
And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.
It's either my mom or my dad, or maybe my older brother Colin.
Or my younger brother Ho-Cha Chu. But I'm pretty sure it's Colin.

13. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

14. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him £50 that he couldn't reach the meat on the top shelf. He said, "no, the steaks are too high."

15. A man came to the hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted, "Doctor, doctor!, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut off your arms".

16. I went to a seafood disco rave last week....
and pulled a mussel.

17. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

18. A man walks into doctor's office.
"What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc.
"It's... um...well... I have five pe**ses" replies the man.
"Good grief!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?"
"Like a glove."

19. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh

Must be plenty of dust blowing about after unearthing these old treasures.............. ^.^

We're so skint that I had to get my wife to sell one of her kidneys to help pay for Christmas.

If things get any worse I might have to cancel Sky Sports............

A dog is truly a man's best friend.

If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.

Lock your dog and your wife in the boot of the car for an hour.

When you open the boot, which one is really happy to see you?
:-o :-o :-o

A Pakistani son asks his dad, "Dad, what's democracy?"
"Well, son, that's when whites work and we get all the benefits from it!"
"But dad, aren't the white people pissed off about it?"
"Sure they are, but that's called 'racism'!"

Just found this topic for the first time and i've been pissing myself. Thanks all, what a laugh!!!! I've got to come up with some jokes now.

Emet, yellow and yellowmonkey . . . top f*ckin draw !

For their upcoming FA Cup fixture with Man Utd and to avoid a clash of kit colour, Liverpool will sport an alternative kit of white shirts, white shorts, white socks












and white hoods!!!!

I have just won tickets for a cheap Meditereanean Cruise on the lottery. They said it wasn't won the first week but this week it was a rollover. It's on the Concordia. They can't offer Full or Half Board but can offer overboard.

I am also going on the Titanic centenary cruise. It's only one way, but we do get ice in our drinks

Costa - crap at cruises - great at coffee

Took Mrs beard to a show this week, one of the acts was a black geezer with big hair spinning round and round in circles.
After he'd finished we both felt really, really horny.

Apparently it was an Afrodizzyact!

What`s the difference between 3 dicks and a joke? Your mom can`t take a joke!

If snow white wakes up on xmas day feeling grumpy will the other 6 be jealous?