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A German guy approaches a lady of the night. "I vish to buy sex viz you."

"Okay," says the girl, "I charge £50 an hour."

"Ist goot, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky."

"No problem," she replies cautiously, "I can do a little kinky."


So off they go the girl's flat, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck caller.

"I vant zat you tie zese springs to each of your hans und knees."

The girl finds this odd, but complies, fastening the springs as requested.

"Now you vill get down on your hans und knees."


This she duly does, balancing precariously on the springs.


"You vill please to blow zis kwacker as I make love to you."


She thinks this even odder, but figures it's harmless (and the guy is paying).


But she finds the sex is fantastic: honking away on the duck caller, she is bounced all over the room by the energetic German. The climax is the most sensational she has ever experienced, and it is several minutes before she has enough breath to say, "That was totally amazing! What do you call that position?"

"Zat," replies the German, "is ze Four-sprung Duck Technique."

Top joke.

I encourage everyone to read this aloud wiz ze accent and then admit if they became Herr Flick for a moment?

I went to Margate the other day - god its a right roughhouse. I was walking along the beach and saw a husband and wife arguing. All of a sudden the wife hit the man hit her back and they started fighting just like that. Well a policeman came along and stated wading in with his truncheon but the man punched him, stole the truncheon and started battering his wife - I just couldn't believe it.
Then a crocodile came along and ate all the sausages

exilegull wrote:I went to Margate the other day - god its a right roughhouse. I was walking along the beach and saw a husband and wife arguing. All of a sudden the wife hit the man hit her back and they started fighting just like that. Well a policeman came along and stated wading in with his truncheon but the man punched him, stole the truncheon and started battering his wife - I just couldn't believe it.
Then a crocodile came along and ate all the sausages

See page 10 of this thread.
Plagiarism at its worst!

These winter months are so depressing.

Wake up and it's dark, get home from work and it's dark,















Sometimes I hate being blind.

My girlfriend told me a small penis shouldn't affect our sex life.

I'd still prefer it if she didn't have one at all though.................

The latest fad with a lot of footballers is raising their shirts when they score revealing a message in support of a charity or campaign.

It was revealed yesterday that Emil Heskey's 'Free Nelson Mandela' shirt has had to be replaced with a new one as it had faded after 100's of washes.

The budgie got out of it's cage and shagged the dog! if anyones interested i've got puppies going cheap

Guy is just settling down in bed with his missus when she turns over and says "If you put that light out you can stick that think up me". He replied. Don't you think it would be better if we let the light bulb cool off first.

A piece of black asphalt walks into a bar acting all tough and demonstrative, orders a drink and stands at the bar drinking....a few minutes later a sheet of red asphalt enters the bar, at which point the black asphalt cowers and hides behind a nearby coat rack. After the red asphalt leaves, the black asphalt reemerges, visibly shaken. The bar man says, "Hey, what's the deal...all tough when you walk in and then acting like a coward when the red asphalt appears?" The black asphalt replies, "I know that guys, and he's a cycle path...."

Always like that joke. But asphalt? seriously you have been over here far too long :~D

I woke up this morning at 8 and could smell something was wrong. I got
downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing!

I panicked. I didn’t know what to do. Then I remembered Wetherspoons serve breakfast until 11.30.

News just in….There’s a female ref for the United v City match.




The kick off has been put back an hour so she can park her car. 8/ 8/ 8/

The wife came out of the bathroom after her shower, stark naked and walked into the bedroom. She said to me "Babe, shut the curtains, I don't want the neighbours to see me naked"."Don't worry," I replied, "if the neighbours see you naked, they'll pull their own f**king curtains!"

Conjunctivitis.co.uk

Now theres a site for sore eyes...................