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"What's makes a mother's day card from Moonpig different? You can customise it with their name."

Thanks Moonpig, I've been really struggling to find a mother's day card with "Mum" on it.

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and
sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.

When he finished all three, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender says to him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it
would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in
America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left
home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we all drank
together."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way: he
orders three pints and drinks the three pints by taking drinks from each of
them in turn.

One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars in the bar
notice and fall silent.

When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I
don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on
your great loss."

The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and
he laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "Everyone is fine. It's me..."










"...I've quit drinking!"

Me and a mate of mine walked into a pub. Leaning on the bar was this big fat bird and he walked straight up to her.
"Would you like a dance?" he asks.
"Oh, yes" she says.
"Well fook off and have one then, we'd both like to get to the bar" he replied...........

A mate of mine walked up to another fat bird at 2.00am in a nightclub in Donny.
"You're the most beautiful girl in here", he says, "In fact you're the best looking woman I've ever seen in here".
"What makes you say that? says the lady in question.
"12 bottles of Corona, 8 Sambucas and a pitcher of Vodka and Red Bull!"

And while we're on a theme and before the ladies take a contract out on me.......

My mate walked up to a fat bird in a club and said "You have the most beautiful blue eyes I've ever seen"
"Thankyou" she replied
"Yea, what a waste" was his cruel repost. 8/

And one for the road............

My mate spotted a fat bird dancing in the club, jiggling about, giving it all she'd got.
"Fancy going for a few drinks somewhere a little quiter?" he asks with a wink
"OO yes definately" came the giggled reply.
"Great, thanks" he says, "you're making me and my mates feel sick"

Mrs Beard had a right go at me yesterday, accusing me of being totally obsessed with sport but particularly football.
"What makes you say that?" pleads I.
"Well, theres that card you bought me for my birthday" she says

FAT(no pun intended)-WA on Emet beardy person. We keeeeeeeellllll you now!

Heritage gull wrote:FAT(no pun intended)-WA on Emet beardy person. We keeeeeeeellllll you now!

HA! while I've been ill with real flu for the last two weeks I've lost half a stone!
I am no longer officially fat! :na: :na: :na:

Down to 22 stone now then mate?

Southampton Gull wrote:Down to 22 stone now then mate?

Dave, you are my only friend.....................

A mate of mine said he got home from the pub after a night out with me last week and his girlfriend was sat on the setee, and she spread her legs without warning.
"Have you got crotchless knickers on?" he asked
"Yes, I have" she replied.
"Thank God for that" he said, "I thought you'd sat on the cat!"................



:-o

All sat around wataching the Film "Elizabeth" tonight.

Got to the bit where Lix dances with some geezer who fancies her.and she send him off with flee in his ear. While French ambassador watches. We are sure he was played by One Eric (seagulls) Cantona.

Noticed that Wifey had shut her eyes and gone sleepy. I turned over for league matches.

Eventually she wakes up and said what happened? I said. Lizzy got the hump over this geezer who wanted her, She storms off and Eric Cantona says, Fancy going to the match Love. she says yes.

Wifey adds. I suppose they went to Queens Park Rangers. I got away with it. Yyyyeessssss!

EmetEdadsBeard wrote: HA! while I've been ill with real flu for the last two weeks I've lost half a stone!
I am no longer officially fat! :na: :na: :na:

Apologies EmetBeardy...the Fatwa was directed at the large-lady jokes and not you personally. Had no idea you WERE a big-boned person! Now you have slimmed down...

A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him on the head with a frying pan.

What was that for?' the man asked.

The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'.

The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on'

The wife apologized and went on with the housework.

Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.

Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.

Wife replied. 'Your horse phoned'