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Wisconsin, that is the funniest thing I have read for ages, Bravo.

Scorer, I like that, and might steal it for my next cheese and wine evening.

Matt.

It's just been announced that seven wheelchair athletes have been banned today after they tested positive for WD40.

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Points West reported on the floods yesterday with the news that Train services and roads were severely disrupted. All services were describes as being in the same boat. Really! The sight of trains and cars in a boat will cause some amusement if not consternation!.

Flooding has thrown up a large fish on the front at Abbey Lawns. In answer to the publics request for it to be weighed it was suggested that they take it to the whaleway station. Say it fast folks in the style of Jonothon woss.

Passengers were somewhat amused when arriving at Gloucester station during the floods in 2007 to see a duck swimming down the track past Platform 1. The station announcer apologised for the late arrival of the Mallard.

I know. I'll get me coat !.

A Soldier in WWII has fought on the front lines for 3 months, and finally receives a week of R&R. He boards a train in England that is completely packed. He walks the full length of the train trying to find a seat, and finally comes up to an expensively dressed English woman, who has a small dog sitting in the seat next to her. He asks the woman..."Pardon me madam, but may I sit in this seat?". The woman replies..."You Americans are so arrogant; cant you see that my dog is sitting in this seat!!!"

The Soldier continues walking the full length of the train, and finds that there are no other seats available. he approaches the Woman again and says..."Pardon me madam, but may I please sit in this seat?". The woman replies..."You Americans are not only arrogant, but evidently hard headed also. I have told you that my dog is sitting in this seat". The Soldier reaches down, picks up the dog and flings it out the window of the train, then he sits down in the seat. The English Lady is absolutely livid screaming that someone must defend her honor.

An English Gentleman speaks up saying..."You Americans have a penchant for doing things the wrong way...you eat with the wrong hand...you drive on the wrong side of the lane.... and you throw the wrong bitch out the window".

I realised I needed time off work when I felt like walking out into the road without looking. But my boss is not very charitable.
I discussed this with my co workers at the factory with little result untill I had a brainwave.
I told my co workers that I would do something that would surprise them but not to worry.
Next morning when we were at work I without warning climbed up the side of the factory onto the girders and sidled across the roof beams prceeding to hang upside down.
When the Boss came onto the shop floor he saw me and asked what i was doing.
I said i was a light bulb.
He said. "I think you really need a holiday son, so take some time off and come back refreshed".
So I climbed down and walked out of the building.
As I was walking out, one of the blondes was following me and the Boss asked her where she thought she was going.
She replied
"And Just how do you expect me to work in the dark"?.

An eighty year who is hard of hearing has to go to the doctor for a checkup.
He takes his wife with him..

The Doctor tells him that he needs a stool sample, a urine sample and a semen sample.

The old guy looks at his wife and asks "WHAT DID HE SAY"????

His wife looks back at him and says.

"HE NEEDS............ YOUR UNDERWEAR

Whats the easiest way to kill a bus load of Exeter fans?


Poison the windows!

An elderley couple have been courting for several years and eventualy decide to tie the knot.
On making plans for the wedding they decide what they need and write out a list. having done what they can for the day they drive home and call into a chemist on the way.
The old man asks the assistant has any tablets for arthritis.
Yes Certainly says the girl.
Oh good and have you got anything for constipation?
Yup said the girl
Ok said the man. what about heart pills?
we have them also. she says
any sleeping pills? yes I am sure we have.
and what about Viagra? he asks.
Of course we always have them.
Ok and finaly have you got Denture cleaner
O the middle shelf she says.
Ok then. if it's ok with you Mildred and I would like to register for the Wedding present list.

Two croupiers were twiddling their thumbs in the casino. It was a quiet nite and few were gambling at the craps table.
Suddenly in rushes a blonde Bombshell and in her excitment asked if she could bet £20,000 on one throw of the dice.
Yes certainly said the guys.
Ok said the Blonde. If your ready we can throw now said the guys.
Hold on a minute said the Girl.
If you don't mind I would like to be topless for this throw. it brings me luck.
Yeah no problems said the guys not believing their luck.
She take off all her top clothes and throws her bra on the table.
I'm ready she says.
the dice are thrown and she screams in excitment. I've won. I've won. I've won. with that she scoops all her clothes up with the dice and money and runs out of the casino.
wow that was a sight said one guy.
did you see what numbers she threw said the other?
No I didn't.
didn't you?

"You're the worst train driver ever" said my boss. "How many trains have you derailed to date?"

"I don't know," I replied, "...it's hard to keep track."

ferrarilover wrote:Wisconsin, that is the funniest thing I have read for ages, Bravo.
Scorer, I like that, and might steal it for my next cheese and wine evening.
Matt.

The old ones are always the best. Here's another:

A man phoned a solicitor and asked: "What would you charge to answer three simple questions?"
"Five hundred pounds," replied the solicitor.
"That's a lot isn't it?"
"Yes," said the solicitor. "What's the third question?"

A young woman, despite her poor financial circumstances, promised to buy a pet for her kids, so she went into a pet shop, where she saw a large cage containing a colourful variety of noisy budgerigars. So she said to the assistant: 'I'd like to buy a budgerigar please.' 'Certainly miss,' said the assistant. 'Which one would you like?' 'The cheapest,' said the woman.

(No doubt you'll have to think about it...) =D

I've just been to pick up my Halloween costume for tonight, and the lady in the shop brought me a Leeds United kit out. "Sorry, you must have misheard me" I said to her, "I said I'm going out dressed as a count!" :devil:

What's the difference between a market trader and a Dachshund?

A market trader bawls out his wares on the street; a dachshund w.........

Found this on YouTube. 'Blood and Bones'. Excellent film. Think I'll get the DVD..