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No she's watching "Neighbours" from "the chair"

Another one from the OTG Forum: President Barack Obama is visiting a Glasgow hospital. He enters a ward full of patients with no obvious sign of injury or illness. He greets one.

The patient replies:

'Fair fa your honest sonsie face,
Great chieftain o the puddin race,
Aboon them a ye take yer place,
Painch, tripe or thairm,
As langs my airm.'

Obama is confused, so he just grins and moves on to the next patient.

The next patient responds:

'Some hae meat an canna eat,
And some wad eat that want it,
But we hae meat an we can eat,
So let the Lord be thankit.'

Even more confused, and his grin now rictus-like, the President moves onto the next patient, who immediately begins to chant:

'Wee sleekit, cowerin, timorous beasty,
O the panic in thy breasty,
Thou needna start awa sae hastie,
Wi bickering brattle.'

Now seriously troubled, Obama turns to the accompanying doctor and asks, 'Is this a psychiatric ward?'



















'No,' replies the doctor, 'this is the serious Burns unit.'

(Just a reminder for our Scottish friends: it's Burns Night next Friday 25 January. And for the rest of you: Robert Burns is a long-deceased much revered Scottish poet).

A lorry driver ran over my wife the other day. I was furious and confronted him, " Why didn't you drive around her?" I demanded. " I didn't have enough fuel" he replied.................

A Spanish teacher was explaining to a class how Spanish nouns are either masculine or feminine, when one of the students asked 'What gender is 'computer'?'
'Well, of course it is masculine', she replied (probably with a Spanish accent). ' In order to do anything with a computer you have to turn it on first. They have a lot of data but can't think for themselves. They are supposed to solve problems but half the time they ARE the problem. And as soon as you get one, you realise thatif you had waited a little longer, you could have got a better model.'

o:)

I know another one about a dog but it takes ages to type. Might let you all read it later. If you're good.

=D

A friend of mine got himself deep into debt. When I asked him why and how, he said: 'Well, my doctor told me I'm living on borrowed time, so I thought I might as well live on borrowed money...' But he died a happy man...!!

A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of the dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Broni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the shepherd, "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?" The shepherd looked at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looked at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answered "sure".

The yuppie parked his car, whipped out his IBM ThinkPad and connected it to a cell phone, then he surfed to a NASA page on the internet where he called up a GPS satellite navigation system, scanned the area, and then opened up a database and an Excel spreadsheet with complex formulae. He sent an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, received a response. Finally, he prints out a 130-page report on his miniaturized printer then turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1586 sheep."

"That's correct; take one of the sheep." said the shepherd. He watches the young man select one of the animals and bundle it into his car.

Then the shepherd says: "If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my animal?"
"OK, why not." answered the young man.
"Clearly, you are a consultant." said the shepherd.
"That's correct." says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answers the shepherd. "You turned up here although nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked, and you don't know crap about my business...... Now give me back my dog."

I shagged a dwarf for the first time yesterday.















I'm not going to make a hobbit out of it though....................

Just seen this on another website:

A man walks into a bar with a piece of asphalt and orders two drinks: 'One for me and one for the road..'

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such an immensely fast shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth shut.

Turbulence = supercharged flatulence

I walked into Burger King last week and ordered a horse burger. I was told they didnt serve horse burgers.
Of course you do I neighed.
Oh well if you insist I was told. How do you want it.
I dont care as long as I get my free bag of hay. I replied.
Do you want it with sauce she replied.
Horseradish will do nicely I said
do you need a napkin. she said.
No i said just serve it in a nose bag.
When do you want it.
Oh no hurry as long as it's before the 3.30 at Sandown park.
How much will it cost I asked.
Oh about 33 to 1 she said

For those of you that were alone on valentine's day feel free to pretend like you have a girlfriend by playing this game:

[youtube]1qbkz-DrNX4[/youtube]

South African Police in the Pistorius case reckon he hasn't leg to stand on.
Bail was refused in case he did a runner.

Important announcement.
There is absolutely no truth in the rumour that any Horse DNA has been found in me. Thankyou.
GG

New Scotland manager Gordon Strachan says he is already preparing for the 2014 world cup, he has bought himself a new telly.