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EmetEdadsBeard wrote:My mate Jim drowned. We got him a wreath in the shape of a life ring.















Its what he would have wanted.............

A Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet.

Yorkshireman, "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."

Vet, "Is it a tom?"

Yorkshireman, "Nay, I've browt it wi’ us.

On the morning that British Summer Time ended last year I stopped by to visit my ageing friend. He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish. I said to him, "You'd better get your hearing checked - you're supposed to turn your clock back". :Oops:

Boom

oh i love that. its brilliant.

heres one on a similar note. its been on tv so its quite well known.

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Went into the pet shop and asked if I could buy a wasp.
"We don't sell wasps" said the proprietor.
"Well you've got one in the window" I replied.........................















The late great Tommy Cooper takes the credit for a lot of stuff, and that is one of my favourites.

A mate of mine was on a long haul flight, he was sat next to a quite attractive young woman sitting reading a book entitled 'Strange but true sexual facts'.
"Interesting book?" he enquired.
"Yea" replies the lady, "its got loads of unknown but true sexual facts in it. For instance, did you know that the American red indian has on average the longest penis in the world?"
"No, didn't know that" says my mate.
"And that Irishmen have on average, the thickest penises in the world? its true, I just read it" she goes on.

"Oh, I'm sorry, I forgot to introduce myself" she continues, "my names Susan, and yours?"

"Tonto Murphy O'Reilly" replies my mate.................

How do you organise a party in outer space?

You planet.

is this austrianandygull's cat?

[youtube]INscMGmhmX4[/youtube]

only joking andy, come back soon.

How does an Elephant ask for a bun?



*fails an arm in front of face*

"Give us a bun".






Definitely more funny in person with my talented acting

(On a lighter note) Edwina Curry:
Brilliant speech..!!

very, very harsh and very offensive but even russell (right on) howard couldnt help but laugh.

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remember this.eeeewwww.

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Edinburgh Fringe top ten jokes:

1.Rob Auton - "I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar. Could be a Chinese Wispa."
2.Alex Horne - "I used to work in a shoe-recycling shop. It was sole-destroying."
3.Alfie Moore - "I'm in a same-sex marriage... the sex is always the same."
4.Tim Vine - "My friend told me he was going to a fancy dress party as an Italian island. I said to him 'Don't be Sicily'."
5.Gary Delaney - "I can give you the cause of anaphylactic shock in a nutshell."
6.Phil Wang - "The Pope is a lot like Doctor Who. He never dies, just keeps being replaced by white men."
7.Marcus Brigstocke - "You know you are fat when you hug a child and it gets lost."
8.Liam Williams - "The universe implodes. No matter."
9.Bobby Mair - "I was adopted at birth and have never met my mum. That makes it very difficult to enjoy any lapdance."
10.Chris Coltrane - "The good thing about lending someone your time machine is that you basically get it back immediately."

i found this guy on youtube the other day by accident.gabriel iglesias. nicknamed "fluffy", as in the expression, "im not fat, im fluffy".

i watched 1 clip, then another, then another and so on. theres loads on youtube including full stand ups he has uploaded himself for free.

i dont know if anyone on here has heard of him, i did a search on google and found out a bit about him and it turns out he is really big in america and has toured worldwide including the uk, and to his own surprise the middle east.

he is very likeable and i have watched hours of his stuff over the last few days.

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