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What smells of p*ss and goes in and out ?????

The Queen doing the hokey kokey

That attempt at humour is not only offensive and libellous, it's treasonable. Off with his head..

Yes, I quite agree with your rebuke !!! I meant Queen Elizabeth the 1st (of course)..I will put things right with this gut gripping howler....

A man goes into a chemist...
Assistant...Can I help you
Man.........Yes, I want a comb, what types have you got ?
Assistant...We've got all sorts, steel one ?
Man..........No, i'll pay for it ! ,

We're all groaning... You'll have to do better than that. =D Something like this:

Maurice and Hannah got married and were on their honeymoon. On their first night, they began getting undressed together for the first time.
As soon as Maurice removed his shoes and socks, Hanna quickly noticed how twisted and red looking his toes were.
"Whatever happened to your feet?" Hannah asked.
"I had a childhood disease called tolio," replied Maurice.
"Don't you mean polio?"
"No, tolio, it only affects the toes," Maurice said.
Maurice then took off his trousers to reveal badly deformed, lumpy knees.
"What happened to your knees?" Hannah asked.
"Well, I also had kneasles," replied Maurice.
"Don't you mean measles?"
"No, kneasles, it only affects the knees," Maurice said.
Finally Maurice removed his underpants and stood there in all his glory.
Hannah gasped and said, "Don't tell me, you also had smallcox!"

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.

I went with the wife to watch an athletics meeting.

We were passing one of the competitors carrying a long pole, and, even though it seemed so obvious, the wife went over to the competitor and asked, 'I suppose you're a pole-vaulter?'

'Nein,' replied the competitor, 'you're nearly right. I am a German. But tell me, how did you know my name vas Valter?'

It's gone 11pm and Isaac is driving his girlfriend Sarah home after enjoying a great evening out in a London disco. They are still some way from her house when, after much discussion, they decide to look for a quiet place to park. Isaac soon finds a suitable lay-by in a very dark deserted road, parks his car, turns on his internal reading light, takes out a computer magazine, and starts to read.
But a passing police car notices Isaac's car parked just off the main road with it's reading light on and stops to investigate. The police officer walks over to Isaac's car, looks inside and is surprised to see the driver reading a magazine and a girl sitting in the back seat. So he taps on the window.
"Can I help you officer?" asks Isaac, lowering his window.
"Please tell me what you're doing parked here in this deserted road. Are you up to some mischief?" asks the officer.
"Not at all, officer," replies Isaac, "I'm just reading my magazine."
"And the young lady sitting in the back seat," says the officer, "what is she doing?"
"Isaac turns round, looks at Sarah, and replies, "I think she's doing her nails, officer."
The officer is still a bit suspicious, so he turns to Isaac, looks him in the eyes and asks, "What's your name and how old are you?"
Isaac replies, "My name is Isaac Levy and I'm 20 years old, officer."
Pointing to Sarah, the officer then asks, "and who is the girl in the back seat and how old is she?"
Looking carefully at his watch, Isaac replies, "Her name is Sarah Goldman, officer, and in ..........13 minutes, 12 seconds time, she'll be 16 years old."

An Episcopalian Bishop, a Methodist Preacher and a Rabbi, together with their wives, are on a plane taking them on holiday when their plane crashes. All 200 passengers on board perish. Almost immediately, all the crew and passengers find themselves standing in a long line leading up to a Heavenly Committee led by its Chairman.

First in line to reach the Chairman are the Episcopalian Bishop and his wife. The Chairman puts down his Book of Records, looks at the Bishop, and says, "I'm very sorry but I can't let you in. The Book of Records shows that you have been a very moral and upright person, but you loved money much more than you should have. So much more, in fact, that you even married a woman named Penny." As soon as he has said this, the Chairman waves his hand and both the Bishop and his wife are sent down a very long chute to that "other place."

Next in line to reach the Chairman are the Methodist Preacher and his wife. The Chairman puts down his Book of Records, looks at the Preacher, and says, "I'm very sorry but I can't let you in. The Book of Records shows that you have been a very moral and upright person and abstained from drinking any alcohol, but you loved junk food more than you should have. So much more, in fact, that you even married a woman named Candy." As soon as he had said this, the Chairman waves his hand and both the Preacher and his wife are sent down a very long chute to that "other place."

Next in line to reach the Chairman is the Rabbi and his wife. But having just seen what has happened to the Bishop and the Preacher, the Rabbi turns to his wife and says, "Oy Vey iz meer, it's not looking at all good for us, Fanny."

Monty is lying on his back sunbathing on Kent's Margate beach. It's so hot that he's sunbathing naked, but as he doesn't want his 'private parts' to embarrass anyone nor get sunburned, he's covered them up with his sunhat.

But this doesn't prevent Sadie walking over to him and saying, with a cheeky smile, "How rude you are. If you were a real gentleman, you would have lifted your hat to me."

On hearing this, Monty opens his eyes, looks carefully at Sadie, and says, "Why should I do this? If you weren't so ugly, my hat would have lifted up all by itself."

On a recent visit to France, I felt unwell after eating horsemeat by mistake. I checked with a local doctor. He said I was in a stable condition..

Why aren't there any Jewish Morris Dancers?

Because you've got to be a complete prick to be a Morris Dancer..

Three bulls heard the rancher was bringing another bull onto the ranch.

First Bull: "I've been here five years. I'm not giving this new bull any of my 100 cows."

Second Bull: "I've been here three years and have earned my right to 50 cows. I'm keeping all my cows."

Third Bull: "I've only been here a year, and so far, you guys have only let me have 10 cows. I may not be as big as you fellows, but I'm keeping all 10 of my cows."

Just then an 18-wheeler pulls up in the pasture carrying the biggest bull they've ever seen. At 4,700 pounds, each step he takes strains the steel ramp.

First Bull: "I think I can spare a few cows for our new friend."

Second Bull: "I actually have too many cows to take care of. I can spare a few. I'm certainly not looking for an argument."

They look over at the third bull and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns and snorting.

First Bull: "Son, don't be foolish -- let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it."

Third Bull: "Hell, he can have all my cows. I'm just making sure he knows I'm a bull."

One Sunday morning, Satan appeared before a small town congregation. Everyone started screaming and running for the front church door, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away.

Soon, everyone was gone, except for an elderly gentleman who sat calmly. Satan walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

Satan asked, "Aren't you going to run?"

"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.

Perturbed, Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."

While examining the the body of Mr. Schwartz, a mortician notices that Schwartz has the largest penis he has ever seen.

"I'm sorry, Mr. Schwartz," says the mortician, "But I can't send you to be cremated with a tremendously huge penis like this. It has to be saved for posterity."

The mortician removes the penis, places it in a jar and puts the jar in his briefcase. When he gets home, he decides to show it to his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he says, removing the jar from his briefcase.

"Oh my God!" she screams, "Schwartz is dead!"

After my accident, I came round to find a paramedic cutting my clothes off.

I quickly explained that I didn't have any clean boxers that morning and being in a hurry, had slipped on a pair of my wife's knickers.

"I understand," he said, snipping through my bra-straps.