FUNNY Jokes, FUNNY Tubes & FUNNY Video Clips

[Gullscorer]

On an international flight the captain's loudspeaker was inadvertently left on, so the passengers could hear the conversation in the cockpit:
Co-pilot: 'Hey Jim, what have you got planned when we get to Kuala Lumpur?'
Captain: 'Well, I'm busting for a crap, and after that I plan giving one to a stewardess on this flight who's been giving me the come-on.'
On hearing this, a stewardess rushed down the aisle heading for the cockpit, to tell them the loudspeaker was switched on.
And a little old lady said: 'Don't rush, love, he said he was going to have a crap first!'

[Gullscorer]

Two Christmases ago, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...

Last Christmas, I didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

[Gullscorer]

As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at the traffic warden's funeral, a voice from inside screams:
"I'm not dead! I'm not dead! Let me out!"

To which the smiling vicar replied,
"Too late pal, the paperwork's already done!"

[Gullscorer]

My wife and I were watching 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'

'No,' she replied.

So I said, 'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes...'

So then I said, "I'd like to phone a friend."

That's when the fight started...

[Gullscorer]

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"

"Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since.."

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

That's when the fight started...

[Gullscorer]

An elderly woman is sitting with her husband in a pub. As she sips a large glass of wine, she says: "I love you so much I don't know if I could ever live without you."

Her husband turns to her and asks, "Is that you or the wine talking?"

She replies: "It’s me talking to the wine.. "

[Gullscorer]

A guy is out rough shooting on his local permission. As he approaches a river which is the boundary of the farm, several ducks lift off the water and he snaps off a shot killing the tail-ender which drops onto the ground the other side of the river.

Not wishing to go home empty handed and being without a dog, with no sign of a bridge, he decides to walk down the river to try and find a way across. About a half a mile downstream he finds a crossing and as he walks back along the other bank, comes across a farmer who is carrying a duck. "Excuse me?" says the guy, “I believe that's my duck you're carrying."

"Oh, I don't think so," replied the farmer, "It landed on my property, so this here's my duck."

They argue back and forth for several minutes and then the farmer suggests a solution. "Let's settle this the country way. We'll take turns kicking each other in the balls and the first man to give in, gives up the duck."

The guy thinks about it for a minute. At first he questions the sanity of engaging in a "ball-kicking" contest with a burly farmer but feels he is tough enough and accepts the challenge. They toss a coin for first kick and the farmer wins.

The guy takes a deep breath and prepares himself for the blow. The farmer rears back and kicks the shooter square in the balls as hard as he can. The guy cries out in pain and collapses to the ground, rolling around in agony as he clutches his groin. After several minutes he recovers enough to stagger to his feet, takes several deep breaths and says, "Okay, now it's my turn."

The farmer looks at the guy, smiles, shakes his head, and says, "Oh, that's okay; you can have your duck."

[Gullscorer]

A wealthy Arab Sheik was admitted to hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his type of blood in case the need arose. As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so, the call went out.

Finally a Scotsman was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab, for which the Arab sent the Scotsman, in appreciation, a new BMW, 5 carats of diamonds, and $50,000 dollars.

A couple of days later, once again, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery. The hospital telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate more of his blood again.

After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card. The Scotsman was surprised that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had before.

He phoned the Arab and asked him: 'I thought you'd be generous again, that you would give me another BMW, diamonds and money, but you only sent me a thank-you card.'

To which the Arab replied: 'Aye laddie, but I now have Scottish blood in ma veins'.

[Gullscorer]

[cambgull]

I really hope she doesn't breed.

[Gullscorer]

When I visited Paris I got drunk and went for a swim in the river. I seem to remember, at the time they said I was insane..

I recently heard Paul Potts sing. It's strange, but I always thought he was a dictator in the far East..

My wife took ill and died while she was shopping with our daughter and I was at the match.
At the funeral the family was gathered around the grave and my daughter, who was standing with her husband opposite me, said: 'Dad, before she died Mum told me to remind you to replace the kitchen tap washer.'
It was a message from beyond the grave..

[Gullscorer]

An old man walked into a barber's shop for a shave and a haircut. He told the barber he couldn't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks were wrinkled from age.

The barber got a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and told the old man to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.

When he finished, the old man told the barber it was the cleanest shave he'd had in years, but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had accidentally swallowed the little ball.

The barber replied, 'You'd just have to bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does'.

[Gullscorer]

Two cows were watching, from a safe distance, the battle of Hastings. One of them said to the other: 'The pun is mightier than the sward'...

Added in 7 hours 29 minutes 37 seconds:

An Irish daughter had not been home for over five years. Upon her return, her father cursed her:

'Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?'

The girl, crying, replied: '(Sniff, sniff)....dad....I became a prostitute....'

'Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family.'

'OK, dad.. as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for £5 million.'

'For me little brother, this gold Rolex, and for you daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club....(takes a breath)....and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and....'

'Now hold on,' says Dad, 'what was it ye said ye had become?'

'(Sniff, sniff)....a prostitute, dad!'

'Oh! Bejeezus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old man a hug!'

[Gullscorer]

Rivkah went to her doctor for a check up. Afterwards, the doctor said to her, 'I must inform you that you have a fissure in your uterus, and if you ever have a baby it would be a miracle.'

As soon as she got home, Rivkah said to her husband, 'You vouldn't belief it. I vent to the doctah and he told me: 'You haf a fish in your uterus and if you haf a baby it vill be a mackerel.''

*************************************************

Suzie and Carol, two widows in a Hendon adult community centre, were curious about the latest arrival - a quiet, nice-looking man who, most of the time, kept to himself.
Carol said to Suzie, "You know I'm shy. Why don't you go over to him and find out a little bit about him. He looks so lonely." Suzie agreed.
So she walked up to him and said, "Excuse me, I hope you don’t mind me asking, but my friend and I were wondering why you looked so lonely."
"I'm lonely,” he said, "Because I've spent the past 20 years in prison."
"You're kidding me! What ever for?"
"For killing my third wife. I strangled her."
"What happened to your second wife?"
"I poisoned her."
"And, if I may ask, what about your first wife?"
"We had a fight and she fell out the window."
"Oh my goodness," said Suzie.
Then turning to her friend on the other side of the room, she shouted, "Carol. It’s OK, he's single!"

[Gullscorer]

Why do Australians put XXXX on a can of beer?

Because they can't spell 'beer'.

On second thoughts, that's probably the only word they can spell... :~D