FUNNY Jokes, FUNNY Tubes & FUNNY Video Clips

[Gullscorer]

I just deleted all the German names off my phone. It's Hans free.

(Darren Walsh has won the prize for funniest joke of the Edinburgh Fringe).

Must have been a Speissial joke..

[Gullscorer]

What do you call a world-class Australian cricketer?
Retired.

What do you call an Australian who can hold a catch?
A fisherman.

Why can no-one drink wine in Australia at the moment?
They haven't got any openers.

What is the difference between Cinderella and the Aussies?
Cinderella knew when to leave the ball.

What does an Australian batsman who is playing in The Ashes have in common with Michael Jackson?
They both wore gloves for no apparent reason.

Who spends the most time on the crease of anyone on the Australian cricket team?
The woman who irons their cricket whites.

What's the height of optimism?
An Aussie batsman putting on sunscreen.

What do you call a cricket field full of Australians ?
A vacant lot.

What's the difference between an Aussie batsman and a Formula 1 car?
Nothing! If you blink you'll miss them both.

What's the difference between Michael Clarke and a funeral director?
A funeral director doesn't keep losing the ashes.

[Gullscorer]

I just found a carrier bag with an England rugby shirt in it lying abandoned on the pavement. I can't believe it's been thrown away.

Those bags are worth 5p now!

Added in 16 minutes 35 seconds:
A few years ago a certain Irish football club asked an American-owned company to build them a new stadium, but as soon as it was completed it had to be demolished. Turns out it was diamond-shaped..

[Gullscorer]

When I crawled into bed last night my wife said "My God, your feet are cold..!!"
I told her that around home she didn't have to be so formal. Tony would do just fine.

[Gullscorer]

I said to my father: ‘Dad, I want to get married.’
He said: ‘Alright son, who do you want to marry?’
I said: ‘I’d like to marry Miss Green.’
He said: ‘You can’t.’
I said: Why not?’
He said: ‘She’s your half-sister. When I was a lad I had a bike and got around a bit.’
I said: ‘Alright, I’ll marry Miss White.’
He said: ‘You can’t. She’s your half-sister too. Forget about it.’

Well, I was a bit despondent and I moped around a bit and my Mum said to me: ‘What’s wrong with you?’
I said: Well, I said to Dad I wanted to marry Miss Green and he said I can’t because she’s my half-sister. I said: All right, I’ll marry Miss White. And he said: ‘You can’t. She’s your half-sister too.’

Mum said: ‘Look, you go and marry whichever one you like. He’s not your father anyway.’

[EmetEdadsBeard]

"Mum, Mum, I've got the biggest knob in my playgroup".

"Of course you have son, that's because you're 28 and retarded. Now be a good boy and don't spill your spaghetti hoops down your Argyle shirt"

(Now that IS funny, unlike the recent cack that's been posted on here by........do i need to name and shame?)

[Gullscorer]

"Mum, Mum, I've got the biggest knob in my playgroup".
"Of course you have son, that's because you're 28 and retarded. Now be a good boy and don't spill your spaghetti hoops down your Argyle shirt"
(Now that IS funny, unlike the recent cack that's been posted on here by........do i need to name and shame?)

It's not often that I let myself get annoyed enough to respond to inane imbecility such as this, but, given that Argyle are currently leading League Two by five points (and even if they had been bottom of the league), your post, in my considered opinion, is not only unfunny, it is cretinously stupid and silly.

Look in the mirror. Do you see a knob in a plank? (Though I doubt you'd recognise yourself).

[EmetEdadsBeard]

It's not often that I let myself get annoyed enough to respond to inane imbecility such as this, but, given that Argyle are currently leading League Two by five points (and even if they had been bottom of the league), your post, in my considered opinion, is not only unfunny, it is cretinously stupid and silly.

Look in the mirror. Do you see a knob in a plank? (Though I doubt you'd recognise yourself).

Oooh get you, you soon recognised yourself! Good, I'm glad you're annoyed, maybe if i keep this up you'll get annoyed enough to bugger off you complete and utter bore!

(inane imbecility? and you ask me if i'd recognise myself? Laughable doesn't do you justice)

[Gullscorer]

Just because nobody complains doesn't mean all parachutes are perfect.

I've just been reading Delia Smith's instructions for her best scrambled egg. She says, "Your eggs should be soft & fluffy."
Err.. no, Delia, they shouldn't. If they are, it means they've bloody hatched.. :-|

Lawrence meets his friend in Golders Green and asks, "You don’t look too happy, Nathan. How’s business?"
"Oy, don’t ask," replies Nathan, sadly.
"OK, I understand," says Lawrence, "but don’t worry. For this time of year, that’s not too bad."

Note: if these haven't driven EmetEdadsBeard away forever, I'll post a few more..

[EmetEdadsBeard]

Just because nobody complains doesn't mean all parachutes are perfect.

I've just been reading Delia Smith's instructions for her best scrambled egg. She says, "Your eggs should be soft & fluffy."
Err.. no, Delia, they shouldn't. If they are, it means they've bloody hatched.. :-|

Lawrence meets his friend in Golders Green and asks, "You don’t look too happy, Nathan. How’s business?"
"Oy, don’t ask," replies Nathan, sadly.
"OK, I understand," says Lawrence, "but don’t worry. For this time of year, that’s not too bad."

Note: if these haven't driven EmetEdadsBeard away forever, I'll post a few more..

Is there ANYONE on this forum who find this utter bilge remotely amusing?
For Gods sake man give it up, your 'jokes' are shiite (even the ones that make sense, and there aren't many) whereas I was voted the King of this forum (until you bored me into infrequent visits).

You are the King of one thing- killing threads on the forum with your inane ramblings about feminism and other uninteresting cack. If you fancy your chances, PM Louis or Dave, set up a poll on who is King of the jokers and we'll take it from there (although i think I may lose that poll as you've bored the crap out of all the major contributors who used to be frequent contributors on here).

Anyway, my wife has threatened to leave me. She says my infatuation with the 60s group The Monkees is getting beyond a joke and is starting to affect our marriage. I said I didn't believe her.

But then I saw her face................... :-|






(Now that is funny to anyone over about 45, compare that with the shat you put on here)

[Glostergull]

wife said to me the other day. come on love lets run upstairs and make love. now come on dear. think clearly. one or the other.

[Gullscorer]

[Gullscorer]

A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be ok, you'll walk again and everything, but your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch."
The man perks up.
"So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But I understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."
The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.
The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"
"Yes I have," says the man.
"And has she helped you make a decision?"
"Yes" says the man.
"What is your decision?" asks the doctor.
"We're getting granite countertops."

[EmetEdadsBeard]

A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be ok, you'll walk again and everything, but your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch."
The man perks up.
"So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But I understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."
The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.
The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"
"Yes I have," says the man.
"And has she helped you make a decision?"
"Yes" says the man.
"What is your decision?" asks the doctor.
"We're getting granite countertops."

Copied and pasted from an ancient unfunny american joke site.
FFS man give it up.

[Gullscorer]

:~D Here's another one:

A duck walks into a pub and says to the barman, "Got any carrots?"

The barman gets annoyed and says, "This is a bar, we don't sell carrots; now p*ss off"

The next day, the same duck goes into the same bar and says, "Got any carrots?"

The barman gets even more annoyed and says, "Look I told you yesterday...this is a bar, we don't sell carrots. Now p*ss off and don't come in here again"

The next day, the same duck goes into the same bar and says, "Got any carrots?"

The barman gets even is really pissed off now and says, "I've had enough of you...if you come into this bar one more time and ask if we have any carrots I'm going to nail your f** king bill to the bar, now get out"

The next day, the same duck goes into the same bar and says, "Got any nails?"

The barman looks confused and says, "No, why?"

The duck replies, "Got any carrots?"