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I went to a zoo today, all it had was one dog!

It was a Shih Tzu.

BobBobBob wrote:I went to a zoo today, all it had was one dog!
It was a Shih Tzu.

_

I thought my vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant.
But apparently it just changes the colour of the baby..

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called Wedding Cake.

What if God's a woman..?
Not only am I going to hell, I'll never know why.
_

Walking through San Francisco 's Chinatown, a tourist from the Midwest was enjoying the artistry of all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners...

When he turned a corner and saw a building with the sign 'Moishe Plotnik's Laundry .' 'Moishe Plotnik?' he wondered. 'How does that belong in Chinatown ?'

He walked into the shop and saw a fairly standard looking dry cleaner, although he could see that the proprietors were clearly aware of the uniqueness of the store name as there were baseball hats, T-shirts and coffee mugs emblazoned with the logo 'Moishe Plotnik's Chinese Laundry.'

The tourist selected a coffee cup as a conversation piece to take back to his office. Behind the counter was a smiling old Chinese gentleman who thanked him for his purchase.

The tourist asked, 'Can you explain how this place got a name like 'Moishe Plotnik's Laundry?''

The old man answered, 'Ah.. Evleebody ask me dat. It name of owner.'

Looking around, the tourist asked, 'Is he here now?'

'It me, Me him!' replied the old man.

'Really? But... You're Chinese. How did you ever get a Jewish name like Moishe Plotnik?'

It simple' said the old man. 'Many, many year ago I come to this country. I, standing in line at ' Document Center of Immiglation.' Man in front of me was man from Poland ..'

'Lady at counter look at him and say to him, 'What you name?' He (Polish man) say to her, 'Moishe Plotnik.'

Then she look at me and say, 'What your name?' I say, 'Sam Ting.'

I was digging a hole at the top of the garden, and discovered a load of ancient gold coins. I rushed back to the house to tell the missus.

Then I remembered why I was digging the hole in the first place..

It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens Centre.

Claude the hypnotist explained: "I'm here to put you all into a trance; I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.

"I want each of you to keep your eyes on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. A hundred pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch until, suddenly, the chain broke; it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"Sh i t!" exclaimed the hypnotist.

It took three days to clean up the Senior Citizens Centre.

Claude was never invited back.

A drunk is sitting at a bar having a drink when a woman comes in. She puts her arm up and it's obvious she doesn't shave.

She shouts: 'Which of you gents will buy a girl a drink?'

The drunk buys her one. Time goes by and she does the same thing, and again the drunk buys her a drink.

This time his mate says: 'What you doing? She's as ugly as sin.'

The drunk replies: 'Any girl who can get her leg that high is good enough for me..'

On the morning of their anniversary, an elderly couple, married for 50 years, are getting ready to have breakfast when the wife gives the husband a whack on the head.

He protests: 'What was that for?'

She says: 'For being a lousy lover all these years.'

She is just starting to serve the food when the husband gives her a smack on the head.

She cries: 'What was that for?'

He replies: 'For knowing the difference.'

https://j4mb.files.wordpress.com/2016/0 ... advice.pdf

How much does a Cockney pay for his shampoo?

Pan-tene (this may not work with a Devon accent...)

westbaygull wrote:How much does a Cockney pay for his shampoo?

Pan-tene (this may not work with a Devon accent...)

westbaygull wrote:How much does a Cockney pay for his shampoo?

Pan-tene (this may not work with a Devon accent...)

I bet it works when you say it !!

Welcome back, Mrs S

When i die i want the Torquay united players to be my pallbearers. So they can let me down one last time.

I was at my bank today. There was just one person in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for pounds.

She was obviously very irritated. She asked the cashier: "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat poun fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"

The cashier shrugged her shoulders and said: "Fluctuations."

The Asian lady said: "Fluc you white people too."

:} Man A, Thank god for brexit now all those poles who have taken all our jobs can go back whence they came.

Man B Really, did you know that in the Second World War 35000 poles came to this country as soldiers, sailers and airmen to help us fight for our as well as there freedom. Many of these flew in the Battle of Britain. The largest foreign fighting force in this country apart from the French. Part of Churchills few.

Man A, There you go you see they were even pinching our jobs then.

Plane is about to crash with 4 passengers on board but only 3 parachutes.
Passenger 1 "im Wayne Rooney a famous footballer my club and fans need me". So he takes the first pack and jumps.

Passenger 2 "I'm Donald trump newly elected president of the USA and the most intelligent man in the world" so he takes a pack and jumps.

Passenger 3 says to the 4th passenger who is a 10 year old boy, " I'm the pope an old man you my son have your life in front of you so you take the last parachute"
The boy replies " that's ok your holiness we can both jump the most intelligent man in the world took my school bag"

Here's an old one:

English diner: 'This chicken tastes rubbery!'
Oriental waiter: 'Tank you velly much Sir.'