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I was going to change my bed and put a trampoline in its place but I think Mr Westy's going to hit the roof...

My workmates asked me if I could stop singing Wonderwall. I said maybe

A flight is on it's way to Sydney where a blonde in economy class stands up and moves to first class.
The flight attendant watches her do this, and asks to see her ticket.
She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class, and that she will have to sit in the back.
The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Sydney and I’m staying right here”.
The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in first class, that belongs in economy, and won’t move back to her seat.
The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy she will have to leave and return to her seat.
The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Sydney and I’m staying right here”.
The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won’t listen to reason.
The pilot says, “You say she is a blonde? I’ll handle this, I’m married to a blonde. I speak blonde”.
He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and she says, “Oh, I’m sorry” and gets up and goes back to her seat in economy.
The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.
I told her, “First class isn’t going to Sydney."

My lady friend went to the doctor, saying she had a problem with her aviaries.
The doctor says, " you're being silly. You mean ovaries.
Aviaries are where you find birds."
My lady friend shook her head and said she meant *aviaries*.
Not prepared to argue, the doctor told her to get on the couch for an inspection.
After a quick look, he said, "Well, you're right!
There's been a cockatoo in there.

I tried a new sex position. It's called parcel force.
You have to stay in all day and no-one comes :-o

I'm suffering really badly from Insomnia, on the plus side it's just 3 sleeps 'til Christmas.

Some Egyptian bloke just pulled up in a BMW, beeped his horn and bared his naked backside out of the window.

.....Chuffin' toot and car moon!.....

I got into an argument with a dwarf today after I accidentally walked into him.

He was shouting at me, saying, "You ****ing tosser, watch where you're going you two-hat etc etc"
I was going to say something back to him ........ but decided to be the bigger man.

An xenophobe, a white supremacist and a sexual predator walk into a bar.

The barman says "What'll it be, Mr. Trump?"

Prossy asks a Scouser if he wants a blowjob.

"Not sure", says the Scouser, "will it affect my benefits?"

Son - "Dad, why is my sister called Teresa?"
Dad - "Because your mum loves Easter, it's an anagram."
Son - "Thanks Dad."
Dad - "No problem Alan"

An elderly mate of mine was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son...
"Yes Dad, what is it,"
"Don't be nervous son; do your best, and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you your wife"

Once again Mrs Beard has left so little petrol in the car that I can only get as far as the pub....

... It’s enough to drive a man to drink.

A mate of mine saw a sign outside a house:

'Talking Dog For Sale'....

He rang the bell, the owner appeared and told him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.

My mate goes into the garden and sees a very nice looking Black Labrador Retriever sitting there.

"Can you really talk?" He asks the dog.

"Yes!" The Labrador replies.

After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, my mate asks, "So, tell me your story!"

The Labrador looks up and says,

"Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the SAS. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping.

I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years, But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down.

I signed up for a job at Heathrow to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals. I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired!"

My mate is amazed and decides to buy the dog.

He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.

"Ten quid!" The owner says.

"£10? But this dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?" my mate replies

















"Because he's a lying t**t!!" says the owner, "He's never been out of the garden!!"

I've decided to sell all my Dogging equipment on E Bay.


Had no bids yet but there is nine people watching.......... :-o