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A mate of mine was rushed to hospital after being shot over 200 times by a upholstery gun.



Thankfully doctors say he in now fully recovered.

Mrs Beard absolutely ridiculed me when I said I was going to build my own bike made entirely of Spaghetti.



You should have seen her face when I rode straight pasta.

I’ve been off work that long due to this virus I’ve started to get a scouse accent...

Mrs Beard was so clever at school.

She got more A's than a scouser trying to break up a fight.

I got into an argument with a pikey once and he threatened to get his Dad, his Uncle and his brother to beat me up.

Imagine my relief when I discovered they are the same person :S

A husband and wife who work for the circus go to an adoption agency. Social workers there raise doubts about their suitability.

The couple produces photos of their 50-foot motor home, which is clean and well maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery.

The social workers raise concerns about the education a child would receive while in the couple's care.

"We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin, and computer skills."

Then the social workers express concern about a child being raised in a circus environment.

"Our nanny is a certified expert in paediatric care, welfare, and diet."
The social workers are finally satisfied.

They ask, "What age child are you hoping to adopt?"
"It doesn't really matter, as long as the kid fits in the cannon."

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says,

"Hang on! You're a duck."

"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

"And you can talk!"
Exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too,"
Says the duck.

"Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"Certainly, sorry about that,"

Says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.

"It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing around this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road," Explains the duck.

"I'm a plasterer."

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him

"You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"

"Sounds marvellous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card.

"Get him to give me a call."

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says,

"Hey Mr Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."

"I'm always looking for the next job,"

Says the duck.

"Where is it?"

"At the circus,"

Says the barman.

"The circus?"

Repeats the duck.

"That's right,"

Replies the barman.

"The circus?"

The duck asks again.

with the big tent?"

"Yeah," the barman replies.

"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.

"Of course," the barman replies.

"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.

"That's right!" says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . ......

"What the f**k would they want with a plasterer??!" :-o

Three of my mates died together in a tragic accident and they all went to heaven.

When they got there, St. Peter greeted them and told them, “We only have one rule here in heaven. Don’t step on the ducks.”

So, they enter heaven and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.

It’s almost impossible not to step on a duck there’s so many, and though they try their utmost to avoid standing on them, the first guy soon accidentally steps on one.

St. Peter then appears with the ugliest woman the guy had ever seen.

St. Peter chains the woman to the guy and says to him, “Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly woman!”

The next day, the second guy also accidentally steps on a duck. Once again, St. Peter shows up and with him is another extremely ugly woman. He chains the woman to the second guy saying, “Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly woman!”

The third guy has observed all this and as he really doesn’t want to be chained to an ugly woman for eternity, he’s extremely careful where he steps.

Indeed, he manages to go months without stepping on any ducks. One day though, St.Peter appears with the most gorgeous woman the guy has ever laid eyes on. She’s tall, curvaceous, tanned and extremely sexy.

Without a word, St. Peter chains the woman to the third guy.

The guy happily says to the woman, “I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all eternity?”

The woman replies, “I don’t know about you, but I stepped on a duck.”

My neighbour just walked by with two dogs.

I said to him, "I didn't know you had any dogs?"

He replied, "They're not my dogs. They're my sisters."

I said, "Wow, your sisters are really ugly!"

'67 could tell you a COVID 19 joke, but is 99.9% sure you won't get it.

A mate of mine has put on a lot of weight recently so he rang weight watchers and said he needed their help, its urgent, can you send someone round?
They said yes we can, we have loads of them.

A dung beetle walks into a bar and says to the bartender " Excuse me, is this stool taken?"

A mate of mine decided to get a tattoo of an Indian on his back.
As the tattooist was doing it he asked "Can you put a tomahawk in his right hand?"
He said "Hold on, I haven't finished his turban yet"

I wonder if Hank Marvin gets p'd off at being offered a sandwich whenever he introduces himself? :-|