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Last night I dreamed I'd played a football match on a surface of crushed concrete and broken bricks.

We won 4-3 on aggregate.

Just been bird spotting with Sinead O’Connor



so far it’s been seven owls and 15 jays :}

The inventor of double entendres passed away last night

His wife is taking it really hard

A mateof mine went to an Eskimo restaurant and asked the waiter about the specials. He said: 'We've got whale meat, or whale meat, or whale meat... Or we've got the Vera Lynn.'
'What's the Vera Lynn?' asked my mate.

'Whale meat again..........

A mate of mine with a stutter has passed away in prison.

He died before he could finish his sentence.

The Amazon delivery driver asked me what time it was.

"Somewhere between 8 in the morning and 6 at night," I replied. :slap:

I just heard a woodpecker call me paranoid in morse code.

Just been chatting to a mate of mine from Liverpool. He's only spent £3 on his Mum for Mother's Day.



I said that's a bit stingy.



He said "That's all she had in her purse"

How many teenagers does it take to change a lightbulb?


Whatever............... :-|

The annual ruler twanging World championships are being held in the Dordogne region of France this year. :Oops:

A Viking is shopping at a supermarket when he comes across an old lady in a wheelchair, almost in tears.

"What's the matter?" asks the Viking.

"Oh," sobs the old lady. "I want to have a look at the frozen puddings but, as you can see, there are three steps down into the chiller cabinets."

"No problem," says the Viking, lifting her onto his back. "I'll take you."

He strolls through the chiller cabinets with the old lady on his back. She selects several puddings and puts them in the basket he is carrying for her.

At the other end the old lady's husband is waiting with her wheelchair.

"I'd really like to thank you," says the old lady as the Viking sets her back down in the chair, "but I don't even know who you are!"

He just waves and walks off.

"I was really worried about you," says the old lady's husband. "What have you been doing?"

She replies, "Well, I've been through the desserts on a Norse with no name."