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"Man Utd will win the league this season" said Grandad.
"Tell me something I don't know" I said.
"OK, I can fit my whole fist up your Nan's arse"

A quicky for now (the story i spent about 20 minutes typing last night diappeared for some reason)

Whats orange and sounds like a Parrot?














A Carrot!
(Best when drunk) :mrgreen:

Many men have nicknames for their cocks. Mine was given to me by my girlfriend while she was giving me head. She named it 'The Impaler' yes the Impaler! Or at least thats what I thought she said'
Turns out she was asthmatic, and its my fault she died..................

Three tortoises, Jim, Ray and Geoff go for a picnic in a park ten miles away, It takes them ten days to get there, and when they arrive they realise they've forgotten the bottle opener. Jim and Ray ask Geoff to fetch it as he's the quickest. "F*ck off" says Geoff, "By the time I get back you'll have eaten all the sandwiches". Jim and Ray promise not to eat the sandwiches, so Geoff agrees to go. Ten days go by and theres no sign of Geoff, twenty days pass and theres still no sign. Jim and Ray are f*ckin' starving, but keep their promise not to eat the sandwiches. Twenty five days pass and they say f*ck it, we're gonna starve to death if we dont eat. They start to eat the sandwiches and Geoff jumps up from behind a rock and shouts "I f*ckin' knew I couldn't trust you two b*st*rds, I'm not going now!"

The above :



I've met people in Boots & Laces recently of the same mindset.

Binman calls at a Chinese Takeaway to collect the rubbish and a Chinky answers . . .

"Harro, wha u wan ?"

"Where's ya bin ?"

"Bin on loo."

"No mate, where's ya dustbin ?"

"I dust bin on loo."

"No no mate, where's your wheelie bin ?"

"Hokay, I wheelie bin havin a wank."

A man walks up to St Peter at the Pearly Gates and St Peter says, "I'm sorry, we are a bit full at the moment, but if you tell me your story I might be able to let you in."

So the man says "Well, I live in the 21st floor on this apartment building and had a feeling my wife was cheating on me, so I came home from work early one day and there she was, semi naked and throwing clothes on. I knew the guy was still in the house so I searched high and low, eventually I found two hands hanging from the pole around the top of the balcony. I knew this was the guy, so I went back in, grabbed a hammer and started hitting this guy's hands. Eventually the guy fell but he landed on a bush which broke his fall. So I went back inside, unplugged the fridge, dragged it to the edge of the balcony and hurled it over. Perfectly hit the guy but as I did it, I suffered from a heart attack and died."

"Wow!" St Peter said. "Of course, you can go in".

A second man walks up to St Peter and he once again says, "I'm sorry, we are a bit full at the moment, but if you tell me your story I might be able to let you in."

So the man explains, "Well, I live on the 22nd floor of this apartment building and this morning I was doing yoga on my balcony as I do everyday. But this morning I tripped over a box my wife had left out there and fell over the side. I fell down one floor but managed to grab hold of the balcony below. I was hanging there for hours until eventually I heard some shouting from in the apartment and then saw the most beautiful face I'd ever seen, I was finally saved! Next thing I know, he's hammering me on the fingers, I fall down to the ground but fortunately a bush managed to stop my fall. Next thing I know, theres a fridge flying at me!"

"This day is getting funny", St Peter thinks to himself. "That's fine, you can go in" he says to the second man.

Then a third man walks up to him, completely stark naked and trying to cover up his private parts.

St Peter takes one look at him and thinks "This should be good"... "I'm sorry, we are a bit full at the moment, but if you tell me your story I might be able to let you in."

So the naked man says,

"Well, I was hiding in this fridge..."

Kenny Dalglish, the worst caretaker since Ian Huntley

Due to the financial problems surrounding many football clubs at present, Man Utd have released 15 members of staff from their payroll.The 5 referees and 10 linesmen involved are said to be devastated.

Trojan 67 wrote:Due to the financial problems surrounding many football clubs at present, Man Utd have released 15 members of staff from their payroll.The 5 referees and 10 linesmen involved are said to be devastated.

Howard Webb will definitely keep his job though!

A little boy is walking along the road dragging a flattened frog on a piece of string. He walks up to the local brothel and knocks on the door.

When the madam answers he says, “I want to have sex with your dirtiest, diseased girl and I ve got £500 to spend.”

The madam s eyes light up and says, “That ll be me! But why do you want a disease?”

The boy replies, “Tonight, after mum and dad leave, the babysitter will shag me because she likes cute young boys. Later, when dad runs her home, he ll shag her in the layby. When he comes back home and goes to bed, he ll shag mum and when he goes work in the morning, mum will shag the milkman and he s the b*stard who ran over my frog!”

Trojan 67 wrote:A little boy is walking along the road dragging a flattened frog on a piece of string. He walks up to the local brothel and knocks on the door.

When the madam answers he says, “I want to have sex with your dirtiest, diseased girl and I ve got £500 to spend.”

The madam s eyes light up and says, “That ll be me! But why do you want a disease?”

The boy replies, “Tonight, after mum and dad leave, the babysitter will shag me because she likes cute young boys. Later, when dad runs her home, he ll shag her in the layby. When he comes back home and goes to bed, he ll shag mum and when he goes work in the morning, mum will shag the milkman and he s the b*stard who ran over my frog!”

That joke is so old its got a preservation order on it from English heritage

EmetEdadsBeard wrote: That joke is so old its got a preservation order on it from English heritage

Schoolteachers should know better : old stories still have impact when they reach new ears.

You won't be hearing from me for a while, am being investigated for stealing inflatables from the local swimming pool . . .


. . . so I gotta lilo

A plane is about to crash, so one of the female passengers stands up frantically and screams 'If I'm going to die, I want to feel like a real woman'.

She jumps up in the aisle and rips off her clothing. 'Are you any of you man enough to make me feel like a woman?'

A man in the third row tears off his shirt, throws it to her and says 'Here, iron this then'.....