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A bloke from Yorkshire (SNW?) goes into a jewellers.

He says "Can tha mek a gold statue of me dog ?"

Jeweller replies,"Aye, reckon I can. Does tha want it eighteen carat ?"

Bloke says,"Nay ya pillock,tha wants it eating a bone."

I was standing in a queue behind a fat woman who had an enormous arse when her phone started beeping.

A little kid behind me said,"Watch out Mister! She's reversing!"

Last one made me chuckle

What do you call a ginger prostitute?

Orange pay as you go.

TIP OF THE DAY :

Don't sh*g a dwarf with learning difficulties.

It ain't big and it ain't clever.

Edit : that's better, must learn to proof before hitting submit.

Just letting you know the Premature Ejaculation Society annual dinner is this Friday.

There's no specific dress code, just come in your pants.

Last week, a girl from my past rang. It was many years since our brief affair, but I have never forgotten amazing sex and wonderful times we had together, so imagine my delight when she suggested we revisit our glorious past! I explained I wasn't the man I used to be, having gained a beer belly, a bald patch and a slight pile problem. She giggled girlishly and said not to worry, as she had put on a few pounds herself............





So I told her to fook off!!!

A real woman is a mans best friend.
She will never stand him up or let him down.
She will reassure him when he feels insecure, and comfort him after a bad day.
She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do.
She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires.
She will make him feel confident, sexy, seductive and invincible............








No wait, I'm thinking of beer, its beer that does that.
Sorry. :mrgreen:

My Wife has been missing a week now.


The Police have told me to prepare for the worst..........



I've had to go to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

Did I like muppet another to it send now can you, end bell a like this reading time fekkin your took you since.













(now read it backwards)

This girl came up to me today and told me she recognised me from the Vegetarian Club.

I was confused; I'd never met herbivore.

Bernard Matthews died on Thursday aged 80.

His funeral will be held next week at Norfolk Crematorium ................

11.00am, gas mark 6 for 3hours.

My Missus started crying because the Airline made her book two seats because of her size. I said," Yeah, but at least you'll get two meals."


That cheered the fat f*cker right up !

Dwarf couple who work in a circus are having a baby. They go to the docs for a check up. "Would you like a boy or a girl?" asks the doc. "Not f**kin' bothered as long it fits in a cannon" is the reply..........

I've just got back from the World Erection Championship.
Did Ok, I got to the Semis.........