Torquay United v Exeter City - now 15/01/13

[AustrianAndyGull]

Game rescheduled to 15/01/13

Christmas is coming, the Greeks are getting fat
Someone give Tisdale a penny to take off his stupid hat
If you haven't got a penny then Torquay say bye to you
As the Gulls go marching on and leave you in League 2!

HO HO HO! Austrian Santa here bringing you both Yorkshire AND Germanic seasons greetings and gifts made by my elves back in Tappedland. My elves, Danny, Billy, Craig and Niall have been hard at it in the workshop in an effort to make sure that all you Gulls out there are not forgotten this Christmas, Danny has already made a lovely giftwrapped goal for Ryan Jarvis last weekend and he says he is going to do the same again for Rene against the poo. Niall has been keeping in tip top condition by having Reindeer races whilst Craig has been the one left to do all the sorting out back at the workshop running around here and there due to Billy elf being poorly. Billy is currently in his little elf pod recouperating after getting a nasty knock the other week when a delinquent snowman oddly dressed in a Bradford City kit smashed into him on a sledge! All the other elves were incensed at the time and were shouting totally unacceptable things like, "pull his f*cking carrot out!!', "someone go and get the hairdryer and melt the c*nt!!' and also a cruel jibe about him being unable to fly. We all know that Snowmen can fly. What made it worse is that the scarf the abominable snowman was wearing was red and white and had the words 'WE ARE EXSH*TTER SH*TTY - PARIAHS OF DEVON' on it. Maybe it was a secret underhand ploy by the Greeks to get Billy to miss their game with us on saturday? They needn't have bothered, Billy would have probably done f*ck all anyway.

The Three Wise Men are also expected to bring yuletide gifts to the Plainmoor party on saturday. The first of them, SAINT MARTIN LING is to enter the sacred and holy place (Plainmoor obviously) and deliver an attacking line up to the masses. With Ryan Jarvis out, it poses a conundrum for SAINT MARTIN but SAINT MARTIN will look to the heavens and proclaim, "Jarvo is out but i'm livin' it large an' i'm a geezer. I'm a little bit whey and a little bit whoah and i'm fackin' 'avin it! I'm fackin 'avin 2 up top in this one and no mush ain't gonna stop me!" YES INDEED SAINT MARTIN!!! WE HEAR YOU, PRAISE THE LORD, PRAISE THE LORD!! OH MY GOD I MY SOUL IS CLEANSED! OMFG! OMFG! THE LORD HAS SPOKEN - THIS IS A TRUE CHRISTMAS MIRACLE!! ( Well it's gonna need to be if we're gonna get a win out of this game! ). Saint Martin has spoken and we go 4-4-2 and not 1 up top leaving Rene to spend Christmas alone with no company and no chance of any presents.

The second wise man will be on holy ground for the 90 minutes. This man is SUPER RENE HOWE and he has been selflessly refusing to score goals recently in order to save them all up and release the Kraken against the Greeks. It will be snowing goals at Plainmoor and Rene will continue to be the gift that keeps on giving ( well, until the New Year at least when the shepherds and custodians of a manger ship him on for a a mince pie and a bottle of Baileys ).

The final wise man is Paul B*stard because somehow he's got a good job and i haven't and i can't for the life of me fathom it out! I mean, i can understand why I haven't got a good job, mainly because i hate people telling me what to do, kick off in front of customers, have a paddy and walkout and i'm a lazy tw*t but i don't attend football matches looking like a life size Torquay gnome and believe it's normal. Anyway, he's a Torquay fan just like you, me, God and Nelson Mandela so it's all good in my book. He gets the third wise man slot. Legend.

So as you can see, everyone is pulling together for the Yellow cause this Christmas and it's time to get behind the lads for the entire game and outsing the losers dressed in red and white. Santa WILL wear his usual red and white home outfit when he turns up on saturday but he told me that it was just to humour the Excretia fans as he has the utmost sympathy for them due to many of them having to endure daily life coping with extreme learning difficulties. He also said that he'll pop in the club shop and have his mince pie and sherry and TUFC scarf gratis and come and join us on the pop to sing our boll*cks off before heading back to the North Pole with a copy of TQ1 safely tucked inside his sleigh and a Greeks shirt firmly deposited into Rudolph's rectum so that it may be shat out when they fly over Exeter on their way home. That Santa, i actually thought he was a bit of a prick initially, especially when he said that he wore red and white because he was a Man U fan but he's a top bloke really. Doesn't exist but top bloke nonetheless.

Torquay United get set fair for a Devonshire double-header this festive period and first up is old adversaries from just up the road, Exeter City. The Gulls then make the slightly longer journey down the A38 on Boxing Day as they take on Plymouth Argyle at Home Park. It is a bumper edition of league 2 football for the yellow army to get their teeth into and with all 3 Devon clubs being in the same league it certainly adds spice to a long old season these fixtures contrast completely with the visiting of grim northern desolate wastelands like Accrington and Bradford and any club in and around London where you take your life in your own hands anywhere within the M25. Never seen such a concentration of odd and bizarre folk in all my life than live in London. And annoying folk that go for 'brunch' and 'meetings' and all sorts of poncy businessy type things. Get yer bloody hands mucky and get some hard graft done yer girls! Stop reading newspapers on trains that when you unfold them they become bigger than Antarctica and also stop SHOUTING on your mobiles saying things like,"yeah, yeah, for sure, for sure, close the deal". WHAT!!!! No one listening gives a f*ck and nobody thinks you're Sir Alan Sugar either. Just be normal you yuppy tw*ts!

Lingy's boys look to erase the disappointment of Kelvin Langmeads' injury time leveller for Northampton last saturday when it looked like Torquay had just done enough to bag the points. What better opponents to bounce back against than Exeter City? A packed Plainmoor and a buoyant away end will contribute to a fantastic atmosphere win, lose or draw and i'm just sad that i can't be there. ( I'll be at Sid James though in Jan if i can get a ticket ).

Our visitors to Plainmoor can boast a total of 6 away wins in the league so far this season including knocking 3 past Gillingham and Rochdale, 4 past Oxford and wins at Bradford, Barnet and Aldershot. They drew at Daggers and have lost the rest. So their away form is seriously tasty and our home form is nearly as tasty having only lost the once. Draw then? As they have gone 41 matches, YES , 41 matches WITHOUT a 0-0 draw then i would go for a 1-1 or 2-2. One thing is for sure, they are on fire on their travels and we have injury and suspension issues so they could exploit that by coming to Plainmoor and getting at us from the off and putting us under pressure. I don't know what sort of tactics Tisdale likes to deploy away from Sid James but i do feel that if he sets his team out to attack from the off then we may struggle to get a foothold in the game.

Exeter have had ups and downs since beating us in the 2008 conference semis ( hope you enjoyed it - we beat you on saturday and we go a point ahead of you so it was all academic ), they enjoyed a spell in league 1 before doing what we did when we were there and coming back down again soon after due to being sh*t. They have a good blend of youth and experience, old heads being former Swansea midfielder GUILLAM BAUZA, striker JAMIE CURETON who has had more clubs than Peter Stringfellow - he is their top scorer with 15 goals in all competitions. ALAN GOW is a 30 year old forward/midfielder who has had more clubs than Nick Faldo. They also have KEVIN AMANKWAAH, a defender who has represented Ghana. MATT OAKLEY, the former Southampton, Derby and Leicester midfielder also brings a wealth of experience and talent to the Excretia squad. Their goalkeeper is Polish stopper ARTUR KRYSIAK. In addition they also can count on the steady scoring services of Irish striker JOHN O'FLYNN. The ex-Cork City hitman was signed from Barnet after notchin 34 in 70 for the Bees. He has 15 in 72 for the Greeks so it's fair to say that he is about as clinical as a doctor's surgery that is closed. Or about as clinical as Connor Sammon.

Exeter currently lie in 7th place occupying the last remaining play off spot and they have 34 points, 2 more than us. So not only will a win give us bragging rights but it will also mean we will be the top team in Devon once again. Last time out they were held at Sid James Park by West Country rivals Plymouth Argyle after Gargs Joe Lennox cancelled out Greeks 34th minute opener by Liam Sercombe. ( nickname = size ).

Line up v Plymouth Argyle last time out :


1. Artur Krysiak (gk)
2. Steve Tully
3. Craig Woodman
4. Scot Bennett
5. Pat Baldwin
6. Danny Coles
7. Liam Sercombe
8. Matt Oakley
9. Alan Gow
10. Jamie Cureton
11. John O'Flynn

Subs: Rhys Evans (gk) UNUSED, Kevin Amankwaah ( on for Gow on 78 mins ), Jordan Moore-Taylor UNUSED, Jimmy Keohane ( on for Oakley on 74 mins ), Aaron Dawson UNUSED, Elliot Chamberlain UNUSED, Jamie Reid UNUSED.

The referee for this one is Mr Craig Pawson and his bitches are Mr Kevin Johnson and Mr Adrian Tranter with his sub-dom, the 4th official being Mr Lee Swabey.

No town of the day today as you all know that Torquay is a poohole and if Exeter win anything it will be my vote for it being the most pleasant of the main Devon connurbations to visit. Torquay is barren and Plymouth is just a complete hovel and should be sold on Flog It. Exeter has good shops, history and a nice feel to it and i like going there.

I'm going for a defeat in this one i'm gutted to say. I feel we need to score more than once to win this and that just isn't happening at the minute. With Billy out, Jarvo out et al our attacking options are basically Rene, Niall and Danny. Forget Yeoman as Ling bizarrely doesn't want to use him. A 2-1 win for the Greeks to ruin my Christmas i'm afraid.

Big shout out to Scottish Gull Dom who is making the 3000 mile trek from Edinburgh over Christmas to be at both Exeter and Plymouth games. Dedication and well done that man. May i take this opportunity to wish everyone a great and safe Christmas, including the Exeter fans and thanks for reading my matchday threads these past few months. Just a couple of things before i sign off.

NO. 1: Please spare a thought this Christmas for people who have nothing and appreciate what you have. Please take the time to spend as much time as you can with the people you love and tell them that you love them. Appreciate and enjoy the time you have with these people and put the f*cking gadgets down for one day at least!

N0. 2: Please, please for the love of God DO NOT GIVE ANYBODY AN ANIMAL AS A PRESENT FOR CHRISTMAS!! You may think it's a unique gift at the time but it's no fun trying to find room for it in our rehoming centre when the person you've bought it for decides they don't want it. It's also no fun cleaning up extra sh*t as i still get paid the same! Use your brains lads eh? Also you may want to consider visiting your local animal shelter to give a donation of much needed cash or even food and bedding. Make sure you only give to smallish independant shelters who have zero cash and also branch run RSPCA centres who also operate on the cusp. Don't give to the Dogs Trust as they have money coming out of their arses and they can afford to buy a fleet of new vans at over 50k a pop and leave them in the car park for months without use. Inside info. Basically your money will be swallowed up by managers earning fortunes, enjoying a fat pension and company car and the dogs won't see a f*cking penny of it. Oh and one of their new centres has an electric plug in point for electric cars. Very relevant to dog welfare. Tossers.

Thanks all, enjoy the banal cack on telly this yuletide and just get plastered! Merry Christmas!!

( oh, and don't drink and drive either because if you do you're a total cock )

( oh and don't be forced into doing something you don't want to do this Christmas like going to meet people you don't like and stuff. Just say you don't like them and so you're not going. Simple)

( oh and don't forget to leave Santa a mince pie and some whisky / sherry and if your house is festooned with obnoxious xmas lights, tone it down lads, you know it makes sense )

( oh and f*ck off the Queen!)

MERRY CHRISTMAS ONE AND ALL!!!!!!!!

HO HO HO!!

[Parry]

3-2 Torquay, 4800 in attendance.

[PlainmoorRoar]

i'm unable to get to the ground until 3.45/half time on saturday, would i still be able to get in?

[LukeGull]

Haha, Great post Andy

PlainmoorRoar, one of my friends was reluctantly let in at half time last season, despite being a season ticket holder. So yeah it is possible, I would just hope the stewards are in a mood of good will and festive spirit. Many years back people were able to get in for free at half time (but that really is a long time ago- as the Mother often reminds me)

[LukeGull]

Of course I would be ecstatic if we were to win, however I think a score draw does seem to be a likely outcome.
Might even have to go put a bet on it, that way even if we don't win I may have something to be happy about. (Them winning is unthinkable)

Anyway its a derby game and the memories of the play off match still haunt many of us and our long serving players. I don't think form or even tactics are going to play a part in this one, it's all about which team wants it more and which team manages to keep all 11 players on the pitch.

After saying this... we will probably end up with a 0-0 draw. We are just going to have to wait and see

[usagullmichigan]

I think our defense needs to be at the races. We are not really going to score as we don't have the strike force. 2-1 Exeter =Z

[SteveDeckchair]

Apparently Exeter were lacklustre against the Gargs last week, so I'm hoping their apathy continues!

City are set up for counter attacking, which suits them playing away from home. So are we, so I am fully expecting a snooze-fest yawn-tastic nil-nil draw.

Ideally, I am hoping that Thompson rips Tully a new one and Rene single handedly owns their back four. In a perfect world, the score will be 4-1 to the boys in yellow.

[SteveDeckchair]

Of course I know it would be Danny Stevens tearing Tully a new one.

Their left back is pants too, so I fully expect two new arseholes in the City dressing room at 5pm on Saturday.

[tktufc91]

Any more weather reports chaps? The journey down from Sussex on Saturday looks pants weather wise.

[Parry]

Any more weather reports chaps? The journey down from Sussex on Saturday looks pants weather wise.

Looking like the pitch will be getting a bit of respite today and certainly tomorrow. Saturday is back to persistent rain but hopefully the drier period between now and then will help let the water drain a bit.

[AustrianAndyGull]

Apparently Exeter were lacklustre against the Gargs last week, so I'm hoping their apathy continues!

City are set up for counter attacking, which suits them playing away from home. So are we, so I am fully expecting a snooze-fest yawn-tastic nil-nil draw.
Ideally, I am hoping that Thompson rips Tully a new one and Rene single handedly owns their back four. In a perfect world, the score will be 4-1 to the boys in yellow.

They haven't had one for 41 games so that means you're right, it's nailed on a 0-0!

[Gullscorer]

We (or they) will tear them (or us) apart, 4-1 (or 1-4). . Possibly.. Or not..

[JamieE]

Niall Thompson is also a doubt.

Make or break time for Yeoman. He's impressed me every time I have seen him play so I would like to see him start in behind Howe. Hopefully Bodin will be fit for the right wing slot.

[AlexGulls]

I think it will get Postponed and I think that would be a good thing given our current injury problems. Of course we also have to rely on the world not ending tommorow aswell.,,

If it goes ahead they are better away than at Home so not sure what to expect. Hopefully we can nick it though.

[Dave]

Wasn't far away from the ground today so went and had a sneaky peak at the pitch, to be fair it was looking in pretty good nick. Think there is more than good chance the game will be on, Saturdays cast does look pants however as long as not much damage done should be fine.