That was then, this is now.
I can't help think that the FL could have given us a more 'attractive' fixture for our first trip away as if there are any attractive fixtures in this league, but maybe a Portsmouth or Plymouth or for the northern monkeys like me a Mansfield or Scunny would have been most welcome. Now i have to trawl across to Morecambe again when i only went 3 months ago! If someone told me i'd be visiting Morecambe twice in the space of 3 months in my lifetime then i'd have laughed so hard that i would have ruptured my anus or at least permanently damaged some of the soft tissue inside my back passage.
It just wouldn't happen to normal people. Ok, enough said.The problem with Morecambe is that it is an inaccessible cess hole, a time ravaged decaying advert for how seaside resorts shouldn't be in 2013. It has been forgotten about, ostracised to the corner of Lancashire where it has been laid to rest. Oh and that main road in through Lancaster over the River Lune is a real pain in the ass too. It reminds me of another spit and sawdust seaside town not a million miles away which i had the misfortune to visit for the first time last season - Fleetwood. It's like there's only one way in and one way out, why? So the departing visitors having taken 3 points from the Globe can be ambushed in a modern re-enactment of a Viking raid on their way out? Road signs changed to runic inscriptions just to confuse everyone maybe but then again, how can you get confused on one f*cking road?! Maybe it was the Romans who settled here, they liked long single straight roads. I know the Vikings came ashore at Morecambe Bay but soon f*cked off when they saw the place and that was over a thousand friggin' years ago! At sea they suffered weeks and weeks of sickness and desolation so why would they want to settle in Morecambe and continue where they left off?
If they came here now they could either venture ashore knowing that they would need all their armoury of long handled battle axes, swords and shields just to survive but they will probably take one look at it from the longboat and pass on by thinking that Morecambe has already been ransacked, burnt and pillaged by another Viking fleet. Why would they think this? Get yourself up there on Saturday and you'll soon see. OMFG! Anyway, that road takes forever and it's a bummer.
"A DAY OF SEASIDE FUN AT MORECAMBE IS A MUST FOR EVERYONE"
Proclaim the Morecambe Tourist Board. They omitted the words "WITH A SERIOUS MENTAL HEALTH ISSUE" from the end of it though. I reckon that is why i went there then. I went early last season, curtailing my exotic Norfolk holiday by one day just so i could see the mighty Gulls survive. I went early so i could have a proper look around and take a bracing walk on the beach as before last season i'd only been once before and it was in January and seriously foul weather so i just stayed in my car until kick off. A tactic not actually that unappealing given the location.
I arrived at the Globe Arena and parked adjacent on a street next to a caravan holiday park, not the one a few miles away in Heysham where someone got murdered this week but a different one. Still, if i'd have gone on holiday there i'd have gone off the rails too! Consecutive nights of relentless bingo and naff cabaret acts, unsociable and absolutely battered chav families creating a maelstrom of chaos behind them, grotty swimming pools and overweight women sun lounging when there isn't any sun, oh and a place where it is compulsory for all blokes to wear vests and union jack shorts with 'LEEDS UNITED - PRIDE OF YORKSHIRE' tattooed on their calf or a bulldog with the words 'THESE COLOURS DON'T RUN'.
That's because you can't mate, you've got gout from eating sh*t and imbibing the sheer volume of beer equivalent to the total cubic centimetres found in the length of the River Teign, your ankles are like basketballs and you also have a fake walking stick so you can claim employment support allowance and whilst we're at it, the lung infection that you contracted from puffing all those knock off ciggies won't help you get anywhere near Usain Bolt. This restrictive mobility makes it difficult to catch up when your 16 staffies go walkies on their own and ruthlessly take down a small ice cream eating child like a herd of wildebeest. Recall training and positive reinforcement would be a start and that's just for the women. In short, i left my car there but wouldn't leave myself there.
I decided to walk the straight mile and half or so down to the seafront, i say seafront but when i got there the sea was nearer Ireland and all i could see was a blue line on the horizon. I passed grotty shops, grotty bedsits, a few houses where a little girl was selling some of her stuff in a kind of garden car boot sale, it reminded me of when i used to do this as a kid and apart from the 2-0 win it was the only bright spot of my day. I bought something just because i felt sorry for her and thought it might cheer her up at least having some money to buy some sweets or something. I'd normally say she could buy some cannabis but i'll leave the cynicism out just for this sombre occasion as it is inappropriate.
There were pokey shops, a garage and a few ropey looking characters knocking about and then i reached the seafront which didn't get any better. Tacky shops, grotty pubs and then you have the superb elegant Art Deco masterpiece that is the Midland Hotel, stuck out on the promenade like an out of place sore thumb, whatever the frig one of those is but you get the idea. One can only think that the hotel is callously looking to it's prosperous and profligate elderly clientele for an impressive income stream, golden oldies that perhaps visited the ailing town in it's heyday and are returning to stir up old memories. A thought seemingly vindicated judging by the humongous turnout for a recent George Formby concert at the Winter Gardens. Well that's just what Morecambe is - OLD - and it needs a Wharram Percy job doing on it. (look it up for those of you not familiar with the Yorkshire Wolds).
I took a walk on the beach making sure i observed the safety signs as Morecambe Bay can be a tidal death trap, a point highlighted by an incident reported in the Morecambe Visitor ( a local rag ) this week of a family rescued by a fisherman in the area after getting into difficulty. It reported the family were terrified of getting stuck in a gully and the kids shouting, "I don't want it to end like this". Too right, not in Morecambe, can you imagine the shame! It's hardly dying doing something you love is it? Drowning in a creek in Morecambe whilst sifting the used condoms from your net whilst trying to look for small crustaceans, molluscs, gastropods and other assorted aquatic organisms that you may have caught.
Well the dad came out with this beauty whilst in a blind panic, "We're on a day trip and i have the rail tickets in my pocket which are getting wet!". F*ck me! That's a cracker that one, err certain death by drowning or having to fork out some more cash replacing rail tickets? It's a toughie but i'd rather concentrate on staying alive if it's all the same. Jesus. The fisherman that rescued them said that there were hundreds of people on the beach at the time but only he seemed to notice the family were in trouble. No, i think others noticed but they didn't want to expend energy trying to rescue total numbskulls who can't read beach warning signs, or can't read full stop. Morecambe Bay demands respect, it harnesses the power of nature and it has awesome beauty but it's the sheer detritus that is behind it that is the problem.
Anyway, on the beach i had one of those anxious doggy moments which i'm sure we've all had at some point. I've worked professionally with dogs for nearly 15 years, dogs of all breeds and temperaments but sometimes you can't account for thick as pigsh*t owners and i had to be on the ball. I was walking along the beach and i saw a family of what i can only describe as semi-human about 300 yards away, i clocked they had a brilliant white Boxer x Mastiff type dog and it was large, i noticed their command of recall and comprehension of insecure avoidant dogs was sadly lacking and i just knew that once the dog glimpsed me in his eyeline then i'd be in the deep brown stuff.
So there i was minding my own enjoying a stroll on the sand when in my head i'm thinking, "PLEEEEEEEEASE DON'T SEE ME, PLEASE DON'T COME BOUNDING OVER TO ME LOOKING FOR SOME TESTICLES TO EAT!! PLEASE MR DOGGY!!" So what happens? Yep, the dog sees me and starts to run up to me growling so i shat myself and turned my back and carried on walking sideways desperately trying to get something out of my pocket to distract him, maybe some food or something shiny. What did i pull out? A f*cking toy smurf!! I'd bought it for my little one from one of those crappy seaside shops and now it was in the jaws of a beast! Christ sakes chavs! Just control your f*cking animals! A bit difficult when they are more intelligent than you i appreciate and in some ways they DO control you but you are too thick to see it. I can't believe it is legal to let animals own other animals!
At least it will be the dog at the vets and not my daughter in A&E from ingestion of paint toxins due to being made in Bangladesh or somewhere. I rescued the situation and purchased my little 'un a colouring book instead, also made in Bangladesh. Sometimes if she is with me i will buy her a fish finger happy meal from Maccy Dees but obviously she hasn't been recruited to the ranks of the yellow army yet so i was without child for the day ( thank the good Lord of all religions ).
While we're at it though, what the frig is a HAPPY MEAL?!! It's just some death in a box decorated with cartoons when all said and done with a free toy made by under 3's in Burma. In what way is it happy? In what way is it a f*cking meal!? The last time i was with my daughter and we stopped at the drive through (not using 'thru' - i'm not a yank) and i ordered, when we parked somewhere i asked her if the meal made her happy and she said no because she had been given the same toy this time as last!! Bloody kids!! You can't win can you? >:(
Well i'm taking back that Leap Pad i got you for Christmas and getting you a f*cking yo-yo and you'll be grateful you little bugger!!! In short, i deduced that it is fact unlawful for McDonalds to endorse their product with the word HAPPY and also to claim it is a meal. It might well be a meal for lots of people who reside on sink estates, white van men and contractors and also middle class families who use the drive through furtively so that nobody can identify them and unveil their guilty secret but for me it's a p*ss tek! In order for it to be a meal for Yorkshireman like myself it must be increased to 5 large fries and 10 fish fingers and chuck in a large Coke, actually make that a diet. I've got to try and look after my figure. If my insides are anything to go by i'll have a bledin' job. I'm falling to bits man.
I only go to the drive through so i can be facetious and cantankerous though, like when you get to the order point and they take your order and then say "Anything else" at the end. IF THERE WAS ANYTHING ELSE I'D HAVE F*CKING WELL SAID SO IN MY INITIAL ORDER WOULDN'T I FFS?!!!!! I often throw them by asking for the new giraffe burger which has been recently advertised. Magic times these. When all your order is complete they then have the audacity to say, "Is that your order complete?"!!! WHAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTT?!!!! They're just taking the mickey now! Then you pay and then go and collect your 'food' and they hit you with the ultimate p*ss take.
"ENJOY YOUR MEAL". Enjoy my meal?!! Are you serious?!! Anyone who has ever had a Maccies will know it is consumed within around 4 seconds. I won't even get to taste it before it begins wending it's merry way through my digestive system and discarding it's fats and cholesterol! It's funny because they taste so good but yet we've eaten it before it has touched our lips so how do we know? A great modern mystery. Where the buggery is Poirot when you need him? Get the legendary Hercule to order a Big Mac and fries and see what he comes up with. His meal probably.
Back on story, I safely negotiated my way back to the car but en-route i made an impromptu pit stop at a Laddies to waste some more cash. I met up with the usual mob in the ground and we stood at the back singing all game and we won 2-0, oh and i also had to make an emergency unplanned stop at Lancaster services to empty the contents of my bowels and replenish my lost water with err, a massive bottle of Lucozade. Not a highlight but certainly a memorable evacuation. :Oops:
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Globe Arena / Environs & Info
Christie Way, Westgate, Morecambe, Lancs, LA4 4TB
Tel: 01524 832230
http://www.morecambefc.com
http://www.globearena.co.uk
Shrimpers forum = http://www.shrimpsvoices.co.uk/
As stadiums go in league 2 this is not bad at all save for the North Terrace stand on the opposite side of the Peter McGuigan Stand. It is small only able to accommodate 3 fans and any accompanying canines and affords views of the houses at the back, once i'm sure i saw a scantily clad lady beckoning and offering herself to me from one of the upstairs windows but it turned out she had come out of the bath and the heat had made her have a panic attack. Always me isn't it?!
The stand that we will most likely be in is the Peter McGuigan Stand which is the main stand that runs alongside the side of the pitch. It is mainly for home fans but the end two blocks are given up to away fans and this is where i have been sat on my two previous visits to Morecambe. Clubs with a more sizeable following will be housed in the Bay Radio Terrace behind one end of the goal but I've never been in there. The view from the PM Stand is actually really good and it is a nice tidy little ground.
It was built at a cost of £12m and opened in 2010 to replace the old ground at Christie Park and can hold nearly 6,500 fans. It is about a 30 minute trek to get to from the railway station and easy to find by car, just keep following the one main road into Morecambe until you come to the Shrimp roundabout with a Toby Carvery on it (don't eat here - it is vile and a filthy place too ) turn left at the roundabout and the ground is about 2 miles down there on the right. Street parking is the order of the day but last time i went some of the residential streets had been coned off which wasn't the case the very first time i went.
There is a pub open to away fans further on down from the ground but there is a brand new pub / restaurant opened directly outside the ground called the Hurley Flyer. I don't know if it accepts away fans but it looks good and if you visit their website you can register for a free drinks voucher. http://hurleyflyerpubmorecambe.co.uk/
Otherwise it is a walk to the seafront and take your pick of pooholes to have a drink in, don't look at anyone funny or use any words of more than a syllable or you may be in trouble in fact may as well blend in and go and get a four pack from Morrisons over the road and have a few tinnies on the beach.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tickets & Travel
Once again the big yellow fun bus is in operation for it's first league trip of the season, it will have had a good run out up to Swindon in midweek for the cup match and it is a finely tuned, sexual vehicle with a purring engine and the driving force behind bringing the yellow army to football grounds near you! (well not near Torquay, there aren't really any grounds near you if you live in Torquay are there so i'm actually talking boll*cks with that one lads and lasses). Get yourself booked on it and as always, don't forget your money, tickets, ipods and medications.
The BYFB needs you!! Get on and get gone!!
Contact 07861 907090 for details and to book.
Prices are £35 for adults and £17.50 for under 12's and departure times are as follows:
Depart Paignton Railway Station @ 6 am ( haha poor buggers!! )
Depart Torquay Coach Station @ 6.15am (haha poor buggers, just time for a cuppa!)
Depart Newton Abbot Penn Inn @ 6.30am (haha poor buggers, get a cuppa and some toast)
Depart Exeter M5 Service Area @ 6.50am (haha poor buggers, get yersen a cuppa, get some toast on then maybe eek out a w*nk and a shower). :ping:
Seriously, if you are wanting to go on the BYFB (big yellow fun bus) but haven't been on it before then please do consider it. I'm odd but i don't go on it but everyone else who uses it is normal and friendly so take the plunge and see if you like it. It needs your continued support.
Tickets are £19 for adults, £15 concessions (65 and over), £6 (junior U'19s - SINCE WHEN HAS AN 18 YEAR OLD BEEN A BLOODY JUNIOR?!!!! ), In addition up to 3 under 14's are admitted free with a paying adult but this is not available online.
Tickets for the away sections can be purchased in advance online for collection by visiting the Morecambe O/S (link above somewhere) and by navigating to the tickets section and clicking on buy online. Follow the instructions on there.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I'm not sure i'll be flavour of the month with the Shrimps faithful after my devastatingly scathing assessments of their home town and i completely understand this, i think they have always been a good bunch of fans, knowledgable and keen to discuss their football and they are northern so we are practically related. My assessment on their chances in league 2 this season may make them more angry though as in my opinion they have lost some good players and replaced them largely with unknown quantities. I also don't rate Jim Bentley as a manager or his style of football and i don't think he is the right man to get the best out of inexperienced youngsters and come the end of the campaign Morecambe will be mightily close to the trapdoor.
Veteran defender Nick Fenton has been released and has been snapped up by the second nearest club to my house, Alfreton Town. Will Haining has joined Hyde whilst Chris Holroyd has gone to Macc Town, Danny Carlton who pleasingly for us and Morecambe scored their winner in the 2007 conference play off final against the Greeks has been released and Lewis Alessandra has come down to the green third of Devon signing a 2 year deal with the gargs. John Sheridan gave the lad his Oldham debut in 2007 and he obviously rates him.
On top of this, last seasons top scorers are both out injured. Jack Redshaw, who the Shrimps did well to hang onto needed a hip operation and will be out for about 5 or 6 months and Kevin Ellison came off in their 1-0 defeat at Wycombe on Saturday having pulled a hamstring and he will be out for a few weeks at least.
Replacing these players hasn't been easy and with no money to play with they have had to rely on freebies like ourselves. I think the best signing they have made is 25 year old ex Stanley striker Padraig Amond, i personally think this bloke is lethal and could play at a higher level if he gets settled in a decent team. He'll do well for Morecambe and will need to if they aren't to struggle. He has a 2 year deal.
Striker Jack Sampson has also joined on a free in a 2 year deal. He began at Bolton before short loan spells at Southend and Accy. He has yet to score a league or cup goal in his career so far. Winger Marcus Marshall has also been added after his release from Bury and also coming in from the relegated Shakers is defender Mark Hughes who is now club captain. Ex-Silkman and Frenchman Tony Diagne has joined to help the defence as has non leaguer Alex Kenyon who arrives after a season at Stockport County who were relegated from the Conference.
So all in all with the big hitters out there is massive uncertainty regarding the resilience and ability of the new boys not withstanding the fact they have to gel together. I feel that they are in a similar position to us but our retained list is better than theirs plus i feel our signings have the potential to be a lot, lot better than theirs. I hope i'm proved wrong as despite my criticisms of Morecambe as a place, i like going to the Globe and it's a million times better than Accrington or Fleetwood and i don't want them to go down. They will probably surprise me and get in the play offs or something but i just can't see it. Not with that squad. They also need Redshaw from day one and that isn't going to happen. A hammer blow that one.
They still have the stalwarts like Stewart Drummond and keeper Barry Roche but they lost their opening fixture 1-0 at Wycombe where they started slowly but grew into the game and should have equalised when McCready smashed a header against the bar. I reckon the McCready played by Kurt Russell in 80's sci fi spectacular THE THING would have nailed it though. On the flipside, how would the Morecambe lad cope in the high arctic with a shape-shifting alien and a flamethrower? Discuss.
On a positive note, their matchday programme last season was in my opinion one of the best ones i had bought in that season. Full of interesting stuff and thick too so well done the Shrimpers for that one. Plus an interesting story i read about their mascot Christie the Cat, he was sent off in a game against Daggers for a disturbance involving goalkeeper Tony Roberts. What a pussy! The mascot uniform was also stolen apparently and a bloke turned up at the Globe wanting to sell it to the club! The coppers turned up and took the kit and told the bloke to be on his way! Classic!
Well i hope we get a good turnout up there although i don't think it will be anywhere near what we took a few months back and i'm going for a 2-0 Gulls win. They have Ellison out and Redshaw out and so we're in business, get at them, restrict them to long balls and pick them off. They will be competitive and tough nut to crack but i feel we have the pace in our side now to cause no end of problems.
Match Officials
The man in the middle for this one is Mr Richard Clark, he hasn't reffed us before and has only last season made the step up from conference to league football. He has a few detractors though if you peruse these:
http://www.darlofc.co.uk/forum/.php?vie ... =2&t=13332
http://www.bbc.co.uk/sport/0/football/20152751
and there are plenty of others having a pop if you google him.
His glamorous assistants trotting up and down the touchline like pansies whislt delicately caressing the flags in an unnatural feminine manner are Mr Billy Khatib who has some admirers for his ability and Mr James Mainwaring, son of Captain George Mainwaring of the Home Guard and there will be no reason for him to panic on Saturday. If he does then you know what we can say to him don't you? :na:
The irrelevant 4th official who will be filing his nails and popping into the bogs every 5 minutes for facial touch ups is Mr Matthew Parry. He will also be holding up boards now and again, ones that inform us of the numbers in substituations as well as time remaining and others to tell us that there is a new Home Bargains superstore opened in Morecambe for which he will make numerous laps around around the pitch wearing his board. I might pop in actually, get myself some sh*t i don't even need. Like when you go into pound shops, you go in thinking you've got a bargain and when you emerge an hour later you've spent 40 grand! It can soon rack up at a quid a pop and before you know it you've done your wages and bought a hundred batteries, 8 packets of scourers, handles for forks and 38 cans of Coke for a quid! It's not Coke! It will dissolve your intestines - don't buy it! Donate the cash to your local animal home.
, well done andy, another sublime mixture of crazy and genius.
